Hey everyone, so I’m not sure what finally has kickstarted this process for me. But I do know I’ve reached some sense of clarity about all of this which I am about to share with you, both in this blog and blogs to come in the near future. There was a restlessness I’ve felt for a long time regarding my experience becoming a Christian and then unbecoming a Christian later. There is a lot wrapped up in this entire time of my life… so many beautiful memories, strange memories, truths, lies and mostly the mixture of both at the same time. I wanted to preface everything by saying that whoever you are, I’m glad you’re here and I’m thankful youd take the time to read this. I’m coming from a place of needing to process my particular experience in the faith… and I’m wanting to be really careful not to pass judgement on anyone’s faith, beliefs, or practices. I believe that the “answer” we seek is neither on one side or the other, but possibly beneath all of these stories and experiences…I came to a place in my life where I had to make a peace with it all, accepting what was and making peace with myself to let go of it. The great deterrent for me sharing all of this, I realized, was the fear of what everyone would think and say… until I began to accept that no one really knows for sure what is going on… I realized that all of the truths that the institutions claimed to offer through their programs, texts & models could also be found within. Not necessarily withins ones self but within ones entire life. I began to see that God was much bigger than the boxes I learned to draw from the church. So over the next few weeks I wanted to write about my experience… share some hilarious true stories about things I’ve done and seen in the name of Jesus, & ask a few questions myself. I think it’d do me good to go through these things, and I know a lot of you have similar experiences… and i don’t know I just feel like it’s time to start talking about it. I hope that these writings help you have compassion amidst whatever experience you’ve had with religion or if you feel any way like me about all of it… and I hope that yall see that I still and very much trying to make sense of a lot of things from that time in my life.
CHAPTER 1: That Time I Accepted The Lord Jesus Christ Into My Heart
I don’t know what compelled me to start writing this tonight… it might have been that macchiato I had at 9pm… or possibly the fact that for whatever reason, I cannot seem to separate myself from the experience I about to share with you. I’ve had a lot of fear & anxiety about writing about this part of my life, or really talking about it at all ever again. I just thought I could go on with my life, change my lifestyle, and forget the whole thing ever really happened. But ultimately I couldnt. I think about it all the time… and honestly I’m afraid of what people would think on both “sides” of the line - to be judged by the Christians for not being a Christian, or to be judged by the anti-religious to have been brought up religious. I know there are people reading this both from the '“church days” and from days where that was in my past, or very possibly somewhere in between. I’ve been some of yalls menteess or mentors. I may have been your small group leader or your worship pastor for some time. Or, I may be your tattoo artist or just someone who you bought a piece of art from. All that to say, I’m thinking of all of you… and honestly I’m thankful you’d even care enough to read this…I didn’t want to write this to try to prove a point or to even pick a side… I realized after a while that I couldn’t. All I’m hoping from this is to be able to share my story… and hopefully if I can be honest about what I’ve seen and experienced I can find some meaning in it all for myself.
I became a Christian when I was 15, “accepting the Lord & Jesus Christ into my heart” on my own will at the youth group at Roswell Street Baptist Church. I started going to this church because I liked a girl from school who also went to the church. When I started going to the youth group on Wednesdays it was lit… they had ping pong, games, basketball gyms… and what was most important and eye-opening to me… they had a rock band. At the time I was playing clarinet in the school band. Don’t get me wrong I was playing the sheit out of that clarinet, even got a plaque on the school wall for going to the all-state band…. but the truth was I hated playing that damn clarinet. It was sooo NOT rock-n-roll. Think about it, who wants to play or listen to a song on a solo clarinet? NO ONE. Who’s favorite musician is a clarinet player other than other clarinet players? Which girl ever hung up a huge picture of a clarinet player on her wall? My point. So when I saw that church rock band I remember completely losing my mind. I had gotten it all wrong. I was meant to be a rock-n-roller.
As time progressed I eventually dated that girl I liked from the youth group. And I also eventually began learning the drums to join the youth band. I remember there being some considerations about my involvement in the band because I was not yet a Christian… but the youth pastor and the college intern at the time advocated for me, which I always appreciated. In the end I actually had no idea what being Christian meant or what everyone was really doing when we held hands and talked to “father” but I liked my girlfriend and wanted to be in the rock band so it was all good at the time. Some time later I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my heart. I remember thinking during one of the big prayer groups… that it was something I was supposed to it. It’s actually strange to look back on it now, I actually never have taken a good look at that moment. But I do remember in the circle just thinking that I wanted to live a good life and do good… and what was presented to me was this idea that accepting Jesus into my heart I would have hope for my life. So i guess could say on that wednesday night in that prayer circle, I became a Christian.
I remember this being a huge issue for my dad. I remember having to call the youth pastor and say my dad wouldn’t let me get baptized and then it became this whole idea of the “enemy” getting in the way of Gods plan for my life to get baptized. But eventually, I don’t really remember how, he came around and I was to be baptized on easter day. I was trying to find a picture for this post so I looked through my facebook and I didn’t remember that I had actually gotten pictures of my baptism. i mean, wow there it is. That was a happy Sunday… I had felt like I had made a very important decision in my life. We went to a Easter picnic at my girlfriends house after church. Everyone was giving me hugs and congratulating me on now having Jesus in my heart and life was picturesque- Easter in the suburbs… my soul was saved.
The next four years of my life were spent at the Roswell Street Baptist Church Youth Group, where I eventually moved from drums, to electric guitar, and ultimately singing… or what they would call in the culture: “worship leading.” We played a lot of music in that youth group… we had a solid band and a really close group of guys. We’d go on trips with the youth group like summer camps and camping trips and even competed in the battle of the bands at Kennesaw Mountain High School. I would describe this part of my life as my most intensely formative spiritual and moral years. The environment was conservative southern baptist, and it was within the context of this culture that my values, morales and much of my self-image were formed. It was also during this time where I developed an understanding of music and I believe because of the spiritual nature of the music, I was able to experience the power of music to shape beliefs, cultures and experiences.
In high school I was always conflicted. Because I wanted to do all the things that high schoolers want to do - mess around with girls, break rules, have parties, just be high schoolers… but since accepting Jesus into my heart I learned to view this as being of the “world.” I was to abhor lust at every turn, I was to never do drugs and most of all, most of all, I was never to drink alcohol. To be honest guys at the time I was a great Christian. I wasn’t pretending to not do all those things… I really didn’t do all those things. From the very beginning since being saved I was always in leadership positions - starting with the band as a worship leader, then onto becoming a leader in the youth group and so-on. So I always felt this pressure that I couldn’t let anyone down… and that because I was appointed by God for a higher position, I had to be extra good for Christ.
At the same time, my choices to start spending more time with the youth group coincided with a lot of tensions going on at home. Still to this day, I am not sure exactly how big of a catalyst me becoming a Christian was to what happened in my family in high school. All I remember is that becoming a Christian and the seeming implosion of my relationship with my father all happened at the same time. I never forget how upset my dad was that I wanted to get baptized. At the time I didn’t really understand what that decision may have meant to him. It has a lot of a layers. but as time goes on I think about it culturally, how becoming an evangelical Christian was a symbol of a complete assimilation into Western culture, and wondering how much my father could ultimately understand about this decision I made. In my mind, my salvation was the straw that broke the camels back, signifying the beginnings of my very complicated relationship with my father that still continues to this day.
Ironically though, it was the emotional and communal nurturing that I experienced from my friends at the youth group at Roswell Street Baptist that gave me a haven, or a home, away from everything going on behind our family doors. I remember the Ellis brothers and family were always there for me. They would pick me up in Alex’s tiny mustang to go to band practice every Wednesday, cause my mom would not be home from work to give me a ride. A lot of times I could walk to the Ellis’ house and they’d always let me stay over there. I considered the ellis brothers like brothers to me during that time… and despite where everyone may align with the religion now… I always believed that God was present in those times for all of us.
So, this was all essentially my introduction into the christian religion. the next 10 years of my life would be a journey though serving, then ultimately leaving this way of living and thinking. Today, I couldn’t think of anything else other than writing about this. It’s weird… I’ve felt this really strange block in my life… thinking it is having to do with the art, the money, or my “career…” but all along it might of been more to do with this. What is the truth behind it all? This is almost all of what is my mind these days. What is true? And it’s taken a lot of time for me but for whatever reason I started to feel ready to accept everything. To talk about everything. to express everything. To gather up all the parts of myself… and to hide nothing from myself or the world.
Thanks for reading, Andrew