The Blooms Crusades Chapter 2: FUCK THE CLARINET (How I Became A Worship leader)

**These are 100% true events that I witnessed and partook in from my time involved in the evangelical church from ages 14-26. Names of individuals, groups and institutions have been changed. **

Alright guys I’mma start this one off by saying FUCK THE CLARINET bro. You got me sitting here sucking on these “reeds” and blowing into this wood tube all fucking day. You gotta keep wetting the reed by taking it off and fully sucking on it in your mouth. After some time the reeds start to smell cause after you play it everything goes back in the dark furry damp case. Sometimes you’d open the case up and the whole thing smelled just like dried stinky fucking spit. You know what I’m talking about, that spit that comes out when you drool when you’re napping. That kind of smell. and the whole case n shit would smell like that. Then you’d had to wet to reed and suck on that old stinking ass reed. ON TOP OF ALL THAT the clarinet can only play 1 fucking note at a time so practicing with yourself sucked. You got no bass or ryhthm like you can get with a piano or guitar so you’re just by yourself in a room squeeking away these single note melodies on moldy stinking cracking reeds. Idk bro it just seemed like a lot to give for a little you know what I mean? when was the last time you thought to yourself, “hmm I wanna hear someone play the clarinet for me right now?” exactly my point. fuck the clarinet bro.

But anyways I was pretty good at the clarinet. I got second to last chair of the all-state band in 8th grade. Got my ticket to Savannah bro. 2nd to last chair clarinet is pretty much like a 5th string kicker on a football team. There was like 20 clarinets, I’m #19. They really could have cut the last 5 of us. They probably just had us there for a more balanced aesthetic look to the orchestra. I don’t remember being acknowledged by anyone that weekend. Even if I fucked up, played out of tune, it didn’t matter at all. This is quite “unamerican” to say but that experience made me realize that there was no point in doing clarinet if I was going to be 19th chair. even in the “best band” of the state I didn’t want to be the 19th chair clarinet… like bro it was too much blowing, spitting, sucking on this damn reed all day, just to “softly” play these “low notes” under the 1st and 2nd clarinets.

Who I really envied though, was those drum & percussion sons of bitches. They were the bad boys. They were cool man. All… back there in the back, smoking cigs and chillin. If you’re on the percussion team, you might have 1 note an entire song. To hit the Gong at measure 64, 1 time. It’s crazy man. But I loved the drums so much that in the mornings before school I’d go up to the band room and play the drum set. I know I annoyed the hell out of the teachers. The drum set was on wheels so eventually they agreed I could come in the mornings and wheel the drumset into another janitor closet down the hallway and play until school started. That’s how I learned to play drums.

How I Became A Worship Leader

By the time high school rolled around… I had to decide if I wanted to continue my career as a 19th chair wood pipe blower into high school. By that summer tho, I had gone through puberty and realized that I didn’t want to die a virgin, so I decided to part ways with the ole clarinet.

And then…I met Mindy.

I don’t exactly remember how I ended up going to youth group but I do know it was because of a girl named Mindy. I liked this girl so it was like yeah I’d love to come to this club and play ping pong and eat free pizza with you. totally down. But I remember that was the first time I saw a worship band. These dudes were playing ROCK N ROLL… for this man named JESUS. Who nobody could see! My mind was exploded. I remember the emotion of the experience and how it was really something I had never done or even thought of to do in my life. I remember we’d pray a lot but I didn’t know what that was. all i knew was that everyone was just supposed to shutup and take their hat off. I just did what everyone else did.

I continued to go to the youth group regularly because Mindy was playin games with me. I went for so long for her. It was always “It’s not God’s timing” but it REALLY was that senior Tyler she liked. He played football…and was a senior… what was I supposed to do for real? Anyways, I never gave up. we all became friends and it was a really special feeling I had at the youth group. It really felt like I had a place where I belonged and people were treating me with kindness & respect. Wednesdays became the day I looked forward to the most because I was gonna be able to see all my new friends and Mindy, and it felt like every Wednesday was one wednesday closer to Mindy finally listening to God and dating me.

all of my friends were in the youth band… and I really started wanting to be in the youth band. I think they had a need for a drummer at the time, so I had some of the skills from practicing the drum set in the closet. By this time I received my first Christian Rock CD by Hillsong United. one of their extended dual CD’s from the live worship concerts. I remember feeling how beautiful the music was… and you could hear everyone singing together. Interlaced were angelic keyboard tones, guitar solos, and talented singers. I remember learning the drums parts to all of those songs and wanting to audition for the band. At the time of my audition I felt like there were murmors of whether I was allowed to be in the band or not because I was not yet saved. But that didn’t last long and I was then on an official member of the SRBC Baptist Praise Band.

Our band was lit and regimented. We went out to eat every Sunday after church, then we went by the Ken Stanton Music store on Roswell Road…. hit cymbals, played all the keyboards, never bought anything. Then went to practice. We’d practice every sunday from 2-4pm for the upcoming Wednesday set. Wednesdays was SHOWTIME. I look back at these times and understand they were the foundation for my understanding of music as I see it. The sounds, melodies, and patterns in the music we learned is the base foundation for how I relate to music today. But we were really disciplined… we practiced every Sunday and performed every Wednesday and I we all started getting pretty good at music together. We logged hundreds of hours playing music and it helped me develop an ear for what was happening in music. We had a lot of fun together playing music over the years… we were turnt up doing battles of the bands and stuff like that. I loved those times.

battle of the bands

Sometime after i joined the band was my official conversion into the faith, my subsequent baptism, and then finally Mindy’s agreement to finally date me. I guess all I needed was a little touch of the spirit. After some years I started getting more into songwriting, guitar, and singing. Once I heard John Mayer and Jason Mraz it was a wrap. No more drums. I didn’t want to carry all that shit anymore and everyone blames your for everything when you’re a drummer. I’m singing from now on cause girls like singers.

In that environment, singers are called “worship leaders” as they lead the congregation through song. Through this avenue of music, I had some amazing and unbelievable experiences in beautiful & strange places alike…experiences I would like to share with you in the coming weeks. worship leading and worship music became a vehicle for me to go and experience other subcultures within the Christian world. Leading worship took me to white churches, asian churches, young churches, mega churches small churches, churches so old you thought you were leading ghosts. but most critically to this timeline - it was through Christian music and the surrounding culture that I was introduced to the one of the most powerful and ironic ideas to ever exist:

COOL CHURCH.

Thank you for reading Chapter 2. Please join me for Chapter 3 next week as we peer into the hierarchy of a cool church and the inherent dilemma that exists within the idea of a church being popular.

Stay Tuned: Blooms Crusades Chapter 3: “COOL CHURCH.”

The Blooms Crusades: CHAPTER 1: That Time I Accepted The Lord Jesus Christ Into My Heart

Hey everyone, so I’m not sure what finally has kickstarted this process for me. But I do know I’ve reached some sense of clarity about all of this which I am about to share with you, both in this blog and blogs to come in the near future. There was a restlessness I’ve felt for a long time regarding my experience becoming a Christian and then unbecoming a Christian later. There is a lot wrapped up in this entire time of my life… so many beautiful memories, strange memories, truths, lies and mostly the mixture of both at the same time. I wanted to preface everything by saying that whoever you are, I’m glad you’re here and I’m thankful youd take the time to read this. I’m coming from a place of needing to process my particular experience in the faith… and I’m wanting to be really careful not to pass judgement on anyone’s faith, beliefs, or practices. I believe that the “answer” we seek is neither on one side or the other, but possibly beneath all of these stories and experiences…I came to a place in my life where I had to make a peace with it all, accepting what was and making peace with myself to let go of it. The great deterrent for me sharing all of this, I realized, was the fear of what everyone would think and say… until I began to accept that no one really knows for sure what is going on… I realized that all of the truths that the institutions claimed to offer through their programs, texts & models could also be found within. Not necessarily withins ones self but within ones entire life. I began to see that God was much bigger than the boxes I learned to draw from the church. So over the next few weeks I wanted to write about my experience… share some hilarious true stories about things I’ve done and seen in the name of Jesus, & ask a few questions myself. I think it’d do me good to go through these things, and I know a lot of you have similar experiences… and i don’t know I just feel like it’s time to start talking about it. I hope that these writings help you have compassion amidst whatever experience you’ve had with religion or if you feel any way like me about all of it… and I hope that yall see that I still and very much trying to make sense of a lot of things from that time in my life.

CHAPTER 1: That Time I Accepted The Lord Jesus Christ Into My Heart

I don’t know what compelled me to start writing this tonight… it might have been that macchiato I had at 9pm… or possibly the fact that for whatever reason, I cannot seem to separate myself from the experience I about to share with you. I’ve had a lot of fear & anxiety about writing about this part of my life, or really talking about it at all ever again. I just thought I could go on with my life, change my lifestyle, and forget the whole thing ever really happened. But ultimately I couldnt. I think about it all the time… and honestly I’m afraid of what people would think on both “sides” of the line - to be judged by the Christians for not being a Christian, or to be judged by the anti-religious to have been brought up religious. I know there are people reading this both from the '“church days” and from days where that was in my past, or very possibly somewhere in between. I’ve been some of yalls menteess or mentors. I may have been your small group leader or your worship pastor for some time. Or, I may be your tattoo artist or just someone who you bought a piece of art from. All that to say, I’m thinking of all of you… and honestly I’m thankful you’d even care enough to read this…I didn’t want to write this to try to prove a point or to even pick a side… I realized after a while that I couldn’t. All I’m hoping from this is to be able to share my story… and hopefully if I can be honest about what I’ve seen and experienced I can find some meaning in it all for myself.

I became a Christian when I was 15, “accepting the Lord & Jesus Christ into my heart” on my own will at the youth group at Roswell Street Baptist Church. I started going to this church because I liked a girl from school who also went to the church. When I started going to the youth group on Wednesdays it was lit… they had ping pong, games, basketball gyms… and what was most important and eye-opening to me… they had a rock band. At the time I was playing clarinet in the school band. Don’t get me wrong I was playing the sheit out of that clarinet, even got a plaque on the school wall for going to the all-state band…. but the truth was I hated playing that damn clarinet. It was sooo NOT rock-n-roll. Think about it, who wants to play or listen to a song on a solo clarinet? NO ONE. Who’s favorite musician is a clarinet player other than other clarinet players? Which girl ever hung up a huge picture of a clarinet player on her wall? My point. So when I saw that church rock band I remember completely losing my mind. I had gotten it all wrong. I was meant to be a rock-n-roller.

As time progressed I eventually dated that girl I liked from the youth group. And I also eventually began learning the drums to join the youth band. I remember there being some considerations about my involvement in the band because I was not yet a Christian… but the youth pastor and the college intern at the time advocated for me, which I always appreciated. In the end I actually had no idea what being Christian meant or what everyone was really doing when we held hands and talked to “father” but I liked my girlfriend and wanted to be in the rock band so it was all good at the time. Some time later I decided to accept Jesus Christ into my heart. I remember thinking during one of the big prayer groups… that it was something I was supposed to it. It’s actually strange to look back on it now, I actually never have taken a good look at that moment. But I do remember in the circle just thinking that I wanted to live a good life and do good… and what was presented to me was this idea that accepting Jesus into my heart I would have hope for my life. So i guess could say on that wednesday night in that prayer circle, I became a Christian.

I remember this being a huge issue for my dad. I remember having to call the youth pastor and say my dad wouldn’t let me get baptized and then it became this whole idea of the “enemy” getting in the way of Gods plan for my life to get baptized. But eventually, I don’t really remember how, he came around and I was to be baptized on easter day. I was trying to find a picture for this post so I looked through my facebook and I didn’t remember that I had actually gotten pictures of my baptism. i mean, wow there it is. That was a happy Sunday… I had felt like I had made a very important decision in my life. We went to a Easter picnic at my girlfriends house after church. Everyone was giving me hugs and congratulating me on now having Jesus in my heart and life was picturesque- Easter in the suburbs… my soul was saved.

The next four years of my life were spent at the Roswell Street Baptist Church Youth Group, where I eventually moved from drums, to electric guitar, and ultimately singing… or what they would call in the culture: “worship leading.” We played a lot of music in that youth group… we had a solid band and a really close group of guys. We’d go on trips with the youth group like summer camps and camping trips and even competed in the battle of the bands at Kennesaw Mountain High School. I would describe this part of my life as my most intensely formative spiritual and moral years. The environment was conservative southern baptist, and it was within the context of this culture that my values, morales and much of my self-image were formed. It was also during this time where I developed an understanding of music and I believe because of the spiritual nature of the music, I was able to experience the power of music to shape beliefs, cultures and experiences.

In high school I was always conflicted. Because I wanted to do all the things that high schoolers want to do - mess around with girls, break rules, have parties, just be high schoolers… but since accepting Jesus into my heart I learned to view this as being of the “world.” I was to abhor lust at every turn, I was to never do drugs and most of all, most of all, I was never to drink alcohol. To be honest guys at the time I was a great Christian. I wasn’t pretending to not do all those things… I really didn’t do all those things. From the very beginning since being saved I was always in leadership positions - starting with the band as a worship leader, then onto becoming a leader in the youth group and so-on. So I always felt this pressure that I couldn’t let anyone down… and that because I was appointed by God for a higher position, I had to be extra good for Christ.

At the same time, my choices to start spending more time with the youth group coincided with a lot of tensions going on at home. Still to this day, I am not sure exactly how big of a catalyst me becoming a Christian was to what happened in my family in high school. All I remember is that becoming a Christian and the seeming implosion of my relationship with my father all happened at the same time. I never forget how upset my dad was that I wanted to get baptized. At the time I didn’t really understand what that decision may have meant to him. It has a lot of a layers. but as time goes on I think about it culturally, how becoming an evangelical Christian was a symbol of a complete assimilation into Western culture, and wondering how much my father could ultimately understand about this decision I made. In my mind, my salvation was the straw that broke the camels back, signifying the beginnings of my very complicated relationship with my father that still continues to this day.

Ironically though, it was the emotional and communal nurturing that I experienced from my friends at the youth group at Roswell Street Baptist that gave me a haven, or a home, away from everything going on behind our family doors. I remember the Ellis brothers and family were always there for me. They would pick me up in Alex’s tiny mustang to go to band practice every Wednesday, cause my mom would not be home from work to give me a ride. A lot of times I could walk to the Ellis’ house and they’d always let me stay over there. I considered the ellis brothers like brothers to me during that time… and despite where everyone may align with the religion now… I always believed that God was present in those times for all of us.

So, this was all essentially my introduction into the christian religion. the next 10 years of my life would be a journey though serving, then ultimately leaving this way of living and thinking. Today, I couldn’t think of anything else other than writing about this. It’s weird… I’ve felt this really strange block in my life… thinking it is having to do with the art, the money, or my “career…” but all along it might of been more to do with this. What is the truth behind it all? This is almost all of what is my mind these days. What is true? And it’s taken a lot of time for me but for whatever reason I started to feel ready to accept everything. To talk about everything. to express everything. To gather up all the parts of myself… and to hide nothing from myself or the world.

Thanks for reading, Andrew

Next Up: Chapter 2: “FUCK THE CLARINET”

Big Fish

The biggest fish in the river gets that way by never being caught. In life, there are many daily challenges, distractions, problems, hang-ups… that are trying to catch us. Our spirit, our resolve, our hope… challenged daily by the nature of life itself.

Over the last 4 years in Atlanta, I’ve built a whole world for myself through art, business, and gathering the community under the umbrella of the arts. I started as a tattoo apprentice and swam through many challenges along the way - setbacks, failed business ventures, haters, and backwards corporations. I didn’t do everything perfect along the way, but I can say that I never gave up on myself no matter what. I kept swimming to my next destination, whether that was my next tattoo, painting, or task that just needed to be done. Just kept swimming. I opened my store “Blooms Emporium” in June of 2023, and I began to go through the process of learning about business, sales and branding. I don’t like to talk about failures or just the general obstacles that are constantly needing to be overcome in business, but I know everything that I’ve had to overcome to get the business off the ground and to the place that it is now… I know because I was there… early mornings, late nights, constant work… everyday to keep it going and to continue growing. Running the business allowed me to travel to Europe to study and experience renaissance artworks, as well as Taiwan to reconnect with my cultural roots and to find inspiration from my homeland for the next chapter in my life as a visual artist and designer. Everything that has happened has led me to this point now, ready to bring something new to the world through all of these amazing and insightful experiences.

Is It The Fish or the Pond?

They say that a goldfish will grow in relationship to the size of the environment it is in. It is the same with Koi fish. The main question I’ve been exploring in my life recently has been this exact question: Is it the fish or the pond? What is the glass ceiling? Can it be broken? Is my life the size that it is because that’s what it is? or is it because of the environment I have agreed to inhabit? What are the true boundaries of my life? and what would happen if I did everything within my power to find myself in the biggest pond imaginable in my life?

This is the question I am setting out to answer in my show, “Big Fish.” I am taking all of the experiences I’ve had this year and just jamming them into this collection of paintings. I can’t say too much at the moment about this show other than I cannot wait for the world to see it (and I can’t wait to see what happens myself). I will be showing a completely new collection of works as well as a new collection of custom apparel that me and my team have been working on. The show will take place at Gallery Anderson Smith in Atlanta, GA and the opening reception will be on the evening of September 27th, 2024. There will be a VIP & Collector exclusive opening from 7-8pm, and the public reception will be from 8pm-11pm with a fashion show at 9pm.

To anyone who has purchased an original piece of artwork from me: you will be receiving an email invitation as well as a physical ticket for the VIP reception. Please be on the lookout! The public RSVP will then be sent to anyone who is subscribed to my email list, so please be on the lookout.

Dynasty RISES

In December of 2023, I opened my tattoo and art studio concept, “DYNASTY.” I had invested over $10,000, all the money that I had made from my Pokemon art show into opening this space. Unfortunately, the space that I moved into did not work out and I had to shut my concept down and move residencies after about a month of getting everything set up. This was probably my first great career heart break… but I just had to wipe my hands clean and move forward. I felt at that time I was supposed to just focus on Blooms Emporium, so I put the DYNASTY idea away in a box for a later time. But, as time as gone on, I am so excited to announce that I have a second chance to create the DYNASTY that I’ve always wanted. The space I have moved into is perfect! It’s secluded all of my itself with ample room for tattooing, painting, production and so much more. I’ve been spending the last week moving into the new space and getting everything together, and even did my first tattoo in there just the other night.

I am very excited about this space and to share this space with the world… so again, be on the lookout woooooo.

CHINATOWN MARKET 2024

I don’t know really how this happened but over the last 3/4 I’ve been telling everyone that our Atlanta Chinatown needs a breath of fresh air. After all this time and a bunch of random conversatios and experiences over the years I have been given the opportunity to curate a market that will highlight artists, vendors and musicians in the Atlanta AAPI community. The idea is called “Chinatown Market” and the whole purpose of the event is to give a space for artists and entrepeneurs in Atlanta to shine and also to bring attention and awareness to the Chiantown foodcourt, which I myself and my family have been going to since I was a young boy. My intent is to use my platform and my ability to gather creatives and artists to help generate business and forward motion for every party involved. Me and my team have just finished up the curation and branding for the event, and we’re set to announce everything next week. The market will take place on Saturday, August 24th from 12-4pm. Expect an eventbrite here in the next few days.

BUT YEAH….

But yeah but yeah… a lot is going on but it feels like not that much is going on. I realize now entering this new season of my life how much I’ve grown and how much stronger the last 4 years has made me. Constant work, constant improvement… one little thing at a time… then you look up and realize, wow, this is great. I am stepping into the purpose of my life, the reason for my existance… walking my path and continuing to discover that’s really going on here in this crazy thing we call “life.” Thank you for reading and supporting all of these little adventures I’m going on. Hope to see many of you at any of these great times coming… peace

Andrew

iris

So I’ve been having a lot of trouble writing recently. It used to be that I never really proofread or deleted anything, I would just write a lot of my honest thoughts and post them on the internet. A lot of people have asked me over the years how I deal with feeling so vulnerable in front of a lot of unknown people reading about what you think. And you know what, over the years I never really thought about it because I really literally never really thought twice about it. It’s just I figured, if I really believe something why not express it and see what happens, right? And over those same years, I feel like these writings have really reached people or at least presented people with something that’s at least honest and not a complete fabrication like a lot of this place that we now inhabit called the “internet.”

And I realized recently that I had lost some of that vulnerability. I guess I started to fear and care about what others thought. You know if you watch celebrity interviews a lot of them talk about how they can have hundreds of positive comments but they will be totally focussed on the single negative comment that someone made… most likely on a phone somewhere in suburban America. I always thought that to be interesting because you’d think they’re established, rich and famous… why would they care about these random negative comments? I began to realize for myself that as everything grew in my life, my career and my business, I started to fear that I would not say the right words or not appease a certain portion of my “audience.” I was struggling with writing my blog becasue I found myself writing and deleting and writing and deleting again just to try to say the “perefect” thing as to not be misunderstood by anybody… But at the same time I felt my voice weakening. I couldn’t write like I used to anymore. There was always someone in the back of my head… that wasn’t me.

But yeah yall, I’m done with all that. I figured that I can’t say the right thing all the time in the exact right way… but I can try to articulate my thoughts to the world. and I’m wanting to reach yall out there who do feel like me and have all these thoughts and questions running through your head. I want to talk about LIFE. My life, your life, our life… the experience of going through LIFE itself. This insane journey of “growing.”

I’ve just been through something. I have so much to say with my life. I’m going to work to find my voice and my message. I’m turning off the comments.- I’m sorry yall anonymous stalkers/weirdos just did too much I don’t want to think about yall right now. I’m just hoping whoever reads and sees whatever I’m about to write and do in the next season of my life can feel me - what pushed me onto this path, the wind of my life & my destiny. We will never agree on everything, but maybe if we create with enough conviction we may have a chance of getting to know each other after all.

So what if there was nothing left out there? Nothing left to gain…retrieving the potential energy of every moment. How much of our energy is spent on the past, which does not exist, or worrying about the future, which we can’t predict or control anywhere.

I guess this is what they call “focus.” Realizing a direction to go in life and just making the choice to go no matter what… the experience of finding yourself and ultimately learning to trust and know yourself.

Somewhere Else

Think back to a time when you were really young… there were times, in a moment of discovery, playing in the woods, building a blanket fort, putting together a Lego. I remember the feeling of a very few of these moments in my life - once felt when rearranging my room as a kid, wiring up my first computer microphone… figuring out how it worked. It was the feeling of learning.

As we get older in this world, we leave these moments behind. Suddenly, we wish we were somewhere else - maybe we wish we were more attractive, more wealthy, that we could post more Instagram stories for our so called “friends” to see (or be envious of). This feeling haunts our very existence, driving us into jobs…debts…and situations we never thought we could be in.

I’m beginning to realize how important it is to protect that feeling I had in my room getting my midi controller to get sounds coming of out the reason software, having “wired” that shit digitally but with digital patch cables you physically had to drag into hardware on the “back” of the plug-in. It’s the willingness to try - having no fear of being wrong because you haven’t yet been right.

Maybe before we ask about what to do next, to get to the next phase of this “prescribed happiness,” maybe we should ask instead:

“Do I wish I were somewhere else?”

they want you to make all the decisions in your life based on a metric, but what would happen if one based it on this feeling?

Plans

I want to remember this moment forever! I just arrived to Kaohsiung today, where my older aunts, other uncle and cousins live. We are in the coast so we just had the most amazing seafood from dinner that we picked right from the live pools. Talk about farm to table frfr.

Tonight I had to break free of family obligations. Any family, sorry if you’re seeing this haha, there are many questions I’m asking of myself right now and I need time to explore things without any reservation! Sometimes the best things come when you throw plans in the trash… and that’s how I like to travel. So after we got back from dinner I said see ya later alligators and went on a walk…and I think they thought I was just peeking around the neighborhood but I ended up on these couple trains and I’m out here.

I wanted to see this night market… which turns out is in this whole ass other place. But I took this entire journey here and the place was fucking closed lol. Then it started raining. So I just decided well I guess Ill just go home now like Forrest goddam gump and thought fuck it I’m just gonna go down this little alley. Ok so now imagine everything is dark and closed… I walk up to this door that just says “eternal” it was warm and still. I pushed it and much to my surprise this place was open… and this is what it looked like. Wow… I mean the music, the vibes, just tucked away all the at back here.

I’m writing this at the bar right now. Honestly I feel bad because the bartender had this whole secret place with this beautiful girl at the bar to themselves and they definitely seem to like each other…they was probably having a perfect night Haha. But now it’s the three of us lol. But hey look… the bro just let me hotbox the back room of the bar all by myself cause he prob just wanted to talk to his girl 😂 he told me usually no one can smoke in there but tn he was just like fk it…

So I ended up in the back of this bar, smokin it out and listening to music, It’s great times.

Plans

In my life I’m trying to find the balance of planning things out and having no plans at all. only when you fully abandon all control over your outcomes can you find the most serendipitous moments in life. The “upward” trajectory in all society is to gain more and more “control” over your life as you “grow up.” As a grown up you’re expected to know everything, to have everything mapped out and to never just be ok with not knowing. This is hardly ever how anyone actually feels but we just play along and put on the mask.

Finding this bar was important to me because I could have only found it if I wasn’t scrambling for yelp to take me somewhere else. I just figured, I’ll walk into here and something will be there. It sounds so small but so significant at the same time. Is life the exact same way? Are we missing something by making all of these “plans?” By trying endlessly to control our destiny, are we missing it?

When I left the bar I couldn’t help notice… just 3 monkeys sitting on top of each other ✨

The Fire: Mt. Keelung Taiwan Blog 3

Today we hiked a short section of Mt. Keelung on the Northern tip of Taiwan. We ascended the mountain one stone step after the other to the top of a peak that showed a breathtaking view of the East China sea and Keelung city below. The air was hot and completely still, and I was covered completely in a thin layer of sweat. Though the hike was short it was quite difficult, the stairs ascending steeply up the cliff, seeming to stretch on and on as you climbed.

During this hike I couldn’t help but think of a concept that I heard a Buddhist monk speaking about. He said that the higher you choose to climb in life, the more alone you will go… but the higher you climb in life, more of the valley will hear you. I’ve thought about this a lot recently in life… life a lot a lot… the journey of the soul, the inward journey, is much like this. Each person must decide how high they would like to go… But just like this hike we did today, the higher you go the more difficult it gets to breathe, your legs start to give, and it gets more difficult with each step. Sometimes looking upward at the inevitability of growing up and the growing responsibilities, complications, and challenges of life can lead to a total feeling of despair.. almost as if the best parts of life are continually being left behind us.

I’ve been spending a lot of my time trying to understand this dilemma… trying to find an answer to these feelings. Does my future only hold more pain & brokenness, and if so what am I supposed to make of this all? But this monk’s analogy has helped me understand the deeper meaning under it all and has helped me to begin the process of choosing my own path for myself.

The Fire

Today I felt this feeling inside of me… this fire. A desire for life… the fullness of life… to be awake to my own life and my life’s true purpose. I feel this fire burning away the distractions, delusions, and comforts that are keeping me away from what it is I truly want to experience. My true destiny. Why my soul is here on this Earth at this particular time for a particular reason.

It’s hard to explain, but I feel like my life so far has been trying to fit together this puzzle. Each chapter, each expereince, each detour… was just fitting one more small piece into this larger picture. To find your path, you must be willing to go through the process of finding many many pieces of the picture to put together. I look back on my childhood and my twenties… and how many things I have been willing to try at, to fail at, to experience, to be curious about… and in the moment though things have seem futile many times, I understand now that it was all just gathering bits and pieces of the puzzle. Eventually, the pieces start to form the image… something recognizable, real and tangible.

That’s where I feel like my life is now… the pieces beginning to form the image. AHHHHHH finally something I can recognize…. a context and a purpose for all of this.

I think about the monks analogy. I am meant to speak to the valley. I desire to speak to the valley. I’ve felt it my whole life, and now I know it. I don’t want to stop in the middle of the path, I don’t want to stop 3/4 of the way up the mountain. I want the view from the top. This realization has helped me to accept the challenges of everyday life… giving suffering its context. We go through things so that we may grow and be strengthened, so we may convert the energy into something to be sewn back into the Earth. Just like a seed.

This revelation has set me on a path of preparation for the times to come. I’m preparing myself to speak to the valley… to climb the peaks of my life and to finally see my life’s magnificent panorama. The process of life itself… being grown, formed and molded - open to the dance between the soul and the universe in her infinite wisdom and truth. I’ve accepted the lonely path… This is who I am and who I’ve always been… and now I know exactly what I need to do… which is to simply put one foot in front of the other.

I hope to see many of you at the top someday… meet me there.

Taiwan Blog 2 - Cardinals & 3's

In the weeks leading up to my trip to Taiwan, I was being visited by cardinals almost every day. It actually started near my birthday in March as a cardinal flew into a bush I was sitting next to while I was sitting alongside a river. At first it seemed like a coincidence but after a while, as the sightings grew increasingly frequent leading up to my trip to Taiwan, I began to understand that it was by no accident. 2 days before I left, I was sitting in the usual spot at Ponce City Market where I sit and take breaks outside. Above this bench sprawls a large tree that provides the spot with shade. I was staring up at the tree, and almost as if something had called the bird to me, a cardinal flew and landed on the tree. Typically they are so fast and fly onward but this cardinal stayed in this tree above me for about 2 minutes. I just stared at it, trying not to lose it. They say that cardinals can mean that ancestors or loved ones that have passed away are coming to visit you, and I started to understand them to be my grandparents and uncle coming to see me.

Time here with my family is bittersweet now cause in the back of my mind I know that I won’t be able to spend as much time with them in this lifetime as I realized I would want to. I find myself wishing that we could be closer and that we could have more time… but its just the way things are that I have grown up and live in the US while most of my family lives in Taiwan. In my teens and twenties I was a lot more concerned with building my own life, having experiences, and finding my individuality… but now I’m asking a lot of questions about where I come from and who I come from… I am cherishing this time… through the broken Chinese and English…as a moment to just share with one another and to appreciate the time we do have together.

There has also been a consitent occurance of 333’s all around me. When I landed in Taiwan my uncle treaeted us to breakfast… and the total bill of the very firrst meal I ate here was exactly $333 NT. By the way, this comes out to a total of about 10$US… meaning that entire group of 4 people ate (and ate fully) for a total of about $2.50 a person…. just putting that out there for all of us in Atlanta who are having to pay $25 for a burger and a side of cold, wet fries with a 20% gratuity automatically added to the bill… it’s just… different lol. Anyways, back to the point. Even today, we went to Taipei to see the famous Taipei 101… and low and behold right there in the shopping center we went to was a gallery called “Gallery 333.” Wow, something is speaking to me.

Today we went to temple in Taoyuan City just outside of Taipei. There was this incredible dragon fountain surrounded by 8 golden dragon heads. Inside the fountain was full of amazing and huge koi fish. My aunt and uncles took me into the temple and showed me how to pay respects to the Gods. I took some time to thank God for my life and just for life itself… In life we can get stressed and bent out of shape about many things, but when you just sit and think about the miracle of waking up each day it puts everything into perspective. I just be thinking like… wow there is a lot to complain about… but maybe there is way more to be thankful about. I’m here, I’m breathing and I’m growing… what else could I really ask for?

It was very special to be able to go to the temple. I felt something in here… something that is still very much with me right now.

After the temple we drove to the capital of Taiwan, Taipei, and we went up to the tallest building in all of Taiwan, Taipei 101. We got to see the city from the sky through their observation deck drinking Boba tea as the clouds flew by like dragons in front of us. It was a cloudy day, as it is a rainy season right now in Taiwan, but every so often the clouds would clear up and we’d be able to see the beautiful view of Taiwans capital.

I’m pretty tired today. We’ve been seeing a lot of things and I’m still getting used to the time difference. And it’s only the second day! There are definitely more stories to be told but I’m gonna go to sleep now. Talk to yall soon.

Andrew

Taiwan: Day 0

Hey everyone, it is currently 11:41pm in Seattle. I’ve got a few more hours until my final flight to Taiwan. Life is crazy, this weekend I spend finishing this painting you see here. I then woke up this morning, packed, and went to the airport. But yeah, I’m on my way back to Taiwan… it’s been 7 years since I’ve been back and that long since I have seen my extended family other than my mom & my sister. It feels surreal going back… something I’ve been hoping to do for a long time now. I feel like everything that’s been happening over the last few years with my exploration of culture through visual arts & tattoos has been missing this very key piece in the middle: Taiwan. It’s like I’ve been able to study everything through a very thin veil, absorbing and observing from afar… and now I will have the opportunity to see everything I have learned within a context.

The last time I was in Taiwan was a really emotional trip for me. I was trying to take care of family business between me and my father in 2017… many of the issues still persisting or even worse until this day. I spent so much energy then trying to make things right with him… I guess in the end the process is a lot more complicated than I thought. But even so, this will be my first trip to Taiwan without my father and everything that comes with him in the picture. I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling bad for him and myself but after all of this time I find myself detaching… allowing myself to move on and freeing myself from all the weight, pain and hurts that I’ve carried from what I have experienced in our relationship throughout my life. I am freeing myself…

There is No Cheese

I wanted to leave this painting up in Atlanta before I left. There are a lot of paintings that I have been trying to formulate for years in my head…. paintings that speak about my experience as an American, an Asian, and an ex-Christian. All of these experiences are so deeply woven within the context of growing up in the American South, and I think for a while I’ve been trying to find ways to say how I have felt this whole time. I’ve spent a long time trying to articulate these ideas through my art and for whatever reason recently, I just felt like it was time to stop waiting for the “right time” and just do it.

This painting, “There Is No Cheese” is about the American dream - all of these sold to us from the very beginning: pass 1st grade to get to 2nd, 8th to get to high school, high school to go to college, college to get a job, a job to make money, money to do ___________ what? And this is where it’s all at for me. Growing up in this world is like being born into a maze someone else built with the promise of the great prize at the end. But what they don’t tell you is that the prize at the end is created and controlled by the same people who designed the maze. Through media, celebrity and “culture” we are sold the elusive dream of riches, fulfilment, and status. But where do we go when we begin to realize that the thing we’ve been after this whole time never existed in the first place? How will we change our perspective, our use of our time and our values?

This is where I’ve found myself in this very moment of life.

I’m looking for the reasons to live that are beyond the surface now. I’ve realized that for me, there is no more cheese to chase… I feel fulfilled in the material world. I am content with what I have and who I am… and now I feel the questions and the desires begin to deepen.

I’ve set out to find the true “Land Of The Free” - the land of a free soul. I refuse to spend my life in this maze knowing damn well they ate that cheese a long long time ago.

Rockets & Cars

I realized that I am in a rocket and not in a car. A car has breaks, turn signals, roads, lanes… you can turn around in a car but you can’t turn around in a rocket.

I felt a lot of things when I went to Europe. I spent most of my time alone, I wasn’t in much of a move to socialize but I felt like I really needed to reconnect with myself.

I started to dig into this anxiety that I feel like has always been there. It’s a worry mixed with a hunger… just kind of wondering if I’ll ever “make it” whatever that means. But that’s when I started to realize that how I’ve chosen to live my life and approach my dreams and desires is much more like putting myself in a rocket and not a car. It’s been like that from the very beginning… there are no breaks, just an ignition and… off you go.

I’m struggling right now with wrapping my head around this idea that I’m not going back…I’m not looking back. It brings a deep sadness but a profound freedom. I realized at the end of the day there’s simply is no where to go back to… the journey has begun and is happening now. The thrusters have been ignited. The attention now is on the mission.

I shed a lot of doubts about myself on my trip. I don’t know… I feel like i just left them right there in the Louvre looking at all of those amazing paintings. There was a feeling. This same feeling I’m trying to describe with the rocket and the car… that I was already in the air and well on my way… and there really was no going back.

I saw that this was life. At least mine… and that it turns out there was no steering wheel at all… just a willingness to have pushed the button.

Paris Day 2

Some more time in Paris… I’m walking a lot… sitting a lot… painting. I didn’t realizing how much I needed some time away to just exist, eat, sleep and walk around without thinking about too much else.

I thought I would feel this huge rush of inspiration being here, and though of course everything is beautiful, I just feel really still. I’m thinking about the future… where I will go next or what I will do. Externally things are moving and expanding and growing, but in some ways I feel Stuck inside. Maybe stuck isn’t the right word, but just itchy. There are things I’m working on in my own life, those things you know you need to take care of.

I’ve realized over the last few years that there are steps in life that you can only take all by yourself. There are times and decisions that require complete focus and honesty, since you are the only one who can know your path for sure and what is aligned with your life. Friends and communities are important so long as they don’t cloud out what is your true voice, or draw you away from it. In the end, you are are responsible for your decisions and will need to live with how you’ve chosen to spend your life… there won’t be any time at the end to blame the people around you.

In many ways that’s why I wanted to come on this trip alone, far from the influences of anyone else that I know. I came to discover more of what is in myself and to bet on my own instincts and decisions.

I’ve been looking at all this art, all this fashion, and all of this beauty… finding myself in a place where I don’t believe there is a difference between myself and those who have their pieces hung up on the walls… I just needed to take hold of that truth and run with it. I’ve been thinking a lot about my business, and how much i want to learn and grow there… inspires by what I’ve experienced here and wanting to bring what I’ve seen back to Atlanta.

This is a picture of my apartment here, it’s tiny. This is a picture from the door. There’s a bed, kitchen and a shower right to the left of where I’m standing. It’s perfect. That little desk is where I’ve been doing all of my Paintings for my show Friday… my days are spent walking around, looking at art, adult snacking, then at night painting. I just finished up my session tonight with 3 peonies which I will mount to the scrolls tomorrow morning. But for now, I am tired… one more day in Paris tomorrow then I’m back to Frankfurt for my show and then the gods of ink Convention… can’t wait.

I’m tired… til tomorrow

In The Back of My Mind: Paris Day 1

11:44 in Paris, I’ve stopped to have a beer on the way back to my hotel. Today began with a flight to Frankfurt from Atlanta. From there I took a bus up to Retablo Cafe, which is the venue where I will be having my art show on Friday. I had about 4 hours until my train to Paris, so after scoping out the venue to lay out my plan and meet the staff, I went on a walk.

I went into a large cathedral. I love seeing the interiors, the paintings, sculptures and architecture… like it’s hard to believe that people at some point just built all that. With no internet lol… just blows my mind every time. Inside the cathedral they were playing one of my favorite songs of all time, “Claire De Lune” by French composer Claude Debussy. What’s crazy is when I left the cathedral, there was a man around the corner playing “Claire De Lune” on the violin. I just sat there for a while just being appreciative. Small graces.

My train was delayed to Paris, which caused me to miss my connecting train, which then caused me to miss my check in window to the Airbnb. Because of the delay I was hanging out on the border of Germany and France in a small town I can’t remember the name of, but they had a zoo right outside the train station. I didn’t go but instead opted to sit in a square and have some German beer and draw. After waiting I finally got onto my train to Paris and enjoyed a 3 hour sunset ride through the countryside.

The first thing I did when I got here was grab a hotel room, drop my stuff off, and got right on the metro to go see the Eiffel Tower. I saw the Eiffel Tower for the first time in 2019 and it was the first building I’ve ever actually gasped at. Just…iconic.

but as I’m sitting here, I’m just trying to take everything in. This experience, and the general desire to travel and share art around the world, has been just running in the back of my mind. With Instagram and artists or just any process in general, no one ever sees the real work we do. We don’t post the real work we do to make things happen. Showing up… creating… pushing yourself creativity… all of these happen on an internal level. The real work is never seen because you can’t even express that long of a process simply… it just takes time.

In 2021 I taped a picture of a scene in Europe on my wall in my apartment as a symbol, a target of sorts. Whenever id not feel like working, or feeling discouraged, or wondering what the point of anything was…I’d just look at that photo.

When it comes to goals, Sometimes it can feel overwhelming figuring how to get to points a to z… but the irony of it all is that everything is in the little steps, how you choose to spend your time despite what you want not being here yet. It’s more about small consistent steps everyday that eventually grow into what you’ve always imagined.

Despite what it might seem online I’ve gone through quite a few challenges over the last few years to continue as an artist - from rejections, failed attempts at ideas, burn outs, people with intentions to distract or discourage me… but in all of this I just had all of this in the back of my mind. I’ve tried my best to stay focused no matter what… to protect my dreams from this world.

and I am drinking a beer in Paris, just enjoying the moment.

Tomorrow I will begin working on my art show. My suitcase is probably 5 articles of clothing and the rest is paint, scrolls and all my mounting tools. I found a way to bring rice paper and scrolls in a trasnsportable way, so my plan is to go exploring around Paris and then at night paint and make scrolls based on what I’ve seen and experienced…

so stay tuned for the rest of the trip, thanks for reading :)

Life Update April 2024

What’s going on my peeps? I was supposed to send this on Monday but I have been trying to stay on top of a few different things. I know a few of you have been unable to eat sleep or drink without needing to have an update from me on this blog so do not fret, the life update is here!

But before getting into what’s going on in my life, I wanted to share about the cool opportunities that are on the horizon for me in the art world. It is a very busy time. It feels like these happen every so often right before some gear is about to shift or things in life are about to take a different form… like the last leg of a race or just the last 10% of the task. Tying up the knots and securing the details. In June, I will have had my first business open for a whole year. Sometimes it feels like you’re so busy trying to keep the thing alive that it’s easy to forget to be thankful about it all in the first place… but opening Blooms Emporium has been one of the great teaching experiences of my life so far - it has forced me to grow, take more responsibility over my life and my time, and ultaimtaely if there’s anything I would take away from it, is that what goes around in life always comes around. This goes for personal, business, relationships, money… everything. Business ownership has shown me how much of an active role I play in my own life…and that through dedication and hard work, one can steer certain aspects of life. No all of it, but some aspects. But all that to say, it has been such a teaching year and I’m preparing myself for the next phase of what this whole art adventure may be. So, just briefly, here are my next few weeks in a nutshell.

Dogwood Arts Festival

This weekend I will be a featured artist for Coca-Cola for the Atlanta Dogwood Festival. What’s crazy is that my assistant sophia sent me the link this year and we had missed the deadline to apply for an artist booth… Then a few weeks later they hit me up and we started working on our concept to be a featured artist right near the entrance on 14th. It’s crazy how the universe works! So, come. see me and my team this weekend from Friday until Saturday, we will be there all day painting and hosting FREE Dogwood Flower classes for the festival. There is a lot of art and music happening that weekend so please check out Dogwood Festival for more info.

Off To Europe

Right after the festival I will fly to Frankfurt, Germany from where I will board a train to Paris. Over the last years, I have been working towards my dream of seeing the world through the lense of an artist - having the opportunity to be inspired and create in different places… commemorating the experiences through pieces of visual art. All the time I’ve been putting in, I’ve always tried to stay focus on my goals… it has helped me push through times of not feeling like doing things or feeling discouraged… I always tried to remember my dream. So on Sunday I will go to Paris where I will tattoo one day at @Larmarque.tatoo - the other days I plan to see some historic sights and artworks and also work on my solo exhibit in Frankfurt.

“the Long way home” scrolls exhibit in Frankfurt

After my 4 days in Paris I will return to Frankfurt where I will host my first international solo exhibition at Retablo Coffee. I have been brainstorming ways to travel with artwork and it hit me… scrolls! I’ve been wanting to learn how to make scrolls for sometime now to further explore traditional Chinese art techniques. I found a way I could begin to mount my watercolor pieces on scrolls so I can roll them up to work on them and bring them along with me in Europe. I plan to bring my papers and paint the show as I am inspired in Europe. The opening for the exhibit will be on April 19th in conjunction with their Friday Night Bar events. I am excited to be able to bring my art and showcase it outside of the country! And as a thanks for reading my blog, here’s a sneak peak photo of how the scrolls are turning out!

GODS OF INK

After my opening I will spend the weekend in Frankfurt at the Gods of Ink Tattoo Convention. I am excited to meet and witness some of the greatest tattooers alive on the planet today. Tattooing takes a long time and lot of patience and dedication, and I feel like this trip for me will be good to see some of tattoo heroes in action and to grow a deeper appreciation for the opportunity to learn tattooing.

COMING SOON: ART CLASSES AT THE ATLANTA BOTANICAL GARDENS

So, This one has been a long time coming. I’ve always envisioned an art class at a garden where people could observe a real life flower… for about year now I’ve been wanting to do it with the Atlanta Botanical Gardens… and now it’s happening! On May 4th, I will be doing a very special edition of my art class at the Atlanta Botanical Gardens… just as the Peonies briefly bloom for May we will be able to take a look at these peonies in real life and then make paintings based on the real life models found in the gardens. This first class is to see how everything goes but I hope that this will turn into a long time partnership with the gardens… one of the most beautiful places in Atlanta.

So what about me?

So that’s everything going on in the arts world. but what about me? Well, I turned 31 a couple weeks ago. It was a quiet birthday just spent with a couple friends by a river. My recent life has been really quiet, despite everything I’m need to “do.” I can feel myself changing - my values, goals, desires - are ever so deepening. Sometimes I wonder what it is I’m holding onto… be it a “better time” in the past, something I’m missing out on… I don’t know.. but more than ever I am feeling the urgency of now. Sometimes our entire life can be swallowed up in the “what will become?” and “what could have been?”… spending so much time over trying to correct the past or to see the future. Many times, and for long periods of time, we forget that what we have is the present moment. I have been amazed at the possibilities of the present moment - in which one can decide totally to walk a new direction. I think sometimes we are so afraid of the change we can’t bare admit the fact that we can decide to be and do anything we desire starting today.

I’ve been struggling and wrestling with my own procrastination in life… putting things off, waiting until better times, doing it “later.” I’ve realized how much of my inability to move forward with certain aspects of my life boils down to fearing the change that it will bring. But in the end, you cannot wait in a place you do not belong for too long because it is your conscience that you will eventually face, what you decided to do. With a lot of things in life, we wait and wait and wait, try to go around, try to hide, try to escape… yet somehow we always find it there with us. The only way to deal with the fear is to accept it, look at it, and embrace the free fall of change.

For me, some things that used to work for me - satisfy me, excite me, numb me - don’t anymore. I’m looking for something different, a new place and a new time. I’m trying to hold everything in my life with open hands, trying to know when it is time to be emptied so that I can learn something completely new. I cannot hold on so dearly to the old and expect for there to be space in my spirit for what is meant for me next.

Change is difficult, but how I see it, we’re not given much of a choice. The only way to lasting freedom, understanding and fullfilment is never around, but always through.

Thank yall for reading… I will continuing to be blogging throughout my travels this week so stay tuned and as always thank you for the support. Let’s do something great!

the cheese

Tonight I was asked what the goal of my life was. If I were to ask you this what would you immediately think of? I know my first thoughts were about the things we dream of acquiring - money, relationships, experiences, materials like a house or a car.

but lately I’ve been taking time to think about this question. Really actually think hard about it. Because what is the goal of my life? Is it to reach the top? Is it to get rich? Is it to acquire the right labels? To Make you like me? what is it?

sometimes I feel like a mouse in a maze, chasing the scent of this far off time and place… an ideal…presented and sold to me since I was very young… The scent is so faint yet ever-present, whispering to me “just a little further and you will find it…just around the next corner…you will find it.” Yet, it has always seemed that every time I’ve seemed to discover or achieve the goal, it has eluded me all the same. Just a scent. Felt but never seen. And impossible to hold.

Here I am, a mouse, striving to decipher this maze, to obtain the prize that awaits me…now beginning to wonder if there ever was a piece of cheese there in the first place. The goal. What is this goal?

The goal of my life. What would it even be like to touch that? Is there ever a moment to feel like you’ve made it?

3 years ago I wouldn’t believe what my life has become today, yet I’ve found a chilling sobriety in achieving my dreams. The cheese was never there, and in the end, obtaining what I’ve always thought would validate me…what I once thought of as my arrival…has turned out to be just the beginning. The beginning of a journey inward.

The goal. What is the goal?

What everyone has always said

I’m writing these things on here because I feel life if you say anything in social media nowadays it can be interpreted in a million different ways. I feel like at least if I’m honest here you can judge me less because you’re on MY website lol. This is just to log the journey… what everything is teaching me in my life right now. Lessons, adventures, challenges, wins and losses… I wish we could all talk about these things more. I really want to speak to people about real life… so this is where I want to do it.

but you know what’s crazy… the other day I booked a $10,000 commission. It has been on my bucket list to make a piece of art that would make me $10,000 and now it’s just happened. And you know, of course I was elated about the money but at the same time this strange emptiness overcame me the next day…

I think I realized that nothing had changed at all…I felt exactly the same… and that both fortunately and unfortunately… what they always say is true. And of course I feel strange to even write about this… because of course I’m thankful to even have a chance to make a living as an artist and to be in the position I am in… but I think I just realized that the money… just like they have always said… doesn’t buy happiness.

I took a few days… which probably should have been more celebratory… to think about the future. I guess I’ve never really thought more deeply about what I’d do with the money other than what is meant to be done to it: spend it. I kinda of realized that I wasn’t chasing it anymore because I realized that a year ago I couldn’t imagine making 10k in a painting and here it is… so that only means that the money is just an idea that will continue to grow. Value and energy.

our whole life we chase money. We get the money so we can chase even more. In my life I feel like I keep reaching a mirage just as it evaporates and another appears simultaneously on the horizon.

The Irony Of Procrastination

We all know the feeling too well…

“I’ll Do It Tomorrow.”

And unfortunately for a lot of things in our life, tomorrow never comes.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately… what is the level of validity for the excuses that I give myself for the things that I need to do take care of in my life. Habits that I really needed to start yesterday, many of which, if I were honest, still live as figments of my imagination (because they are not yet reality). We sit around, talk about everything we will do, act as if we are preparing to do them… but then never end up doing them at all. This may be starting a new project/passion, having a difficult conversation, cleaning your room, or any number of mundane tasks that we’re required to take care of in our lives.

A lesson that I’m learning the hard way is this idea that though delaying what I need to do gives me a temporary (and false) sense of respite from the trivial tasks of life, it always ends up costing me more time to procrastinate than to just get it out of the way. I’m beginning to look at it this way… life is like a big knot. In a situation, it may start out with no knots in it, but as time passes, the knot gets bigger and bigger and bigger… and if I were to un-knot the little knots as they come up, it would eventually save me more time than waiting until there is a huge knot to untie. Life is the same way… small knots turn to big knots.

This might sound a little intense, but I believe that every time we delay something we know we need to do, we tell ourselves a little lie. We are masters at deceiving ourselves, trying desperately to escape the inevitably of work, discipline, and pain… believing that if only the circumstances were different we would be able to do what we need to do. But ironically, that time never comes… the circumstances are never quite right, there’s always something in the way… always a reason we couldn’t get to it.

I’ve always found the very idea of an excuse quite hard to understand, almost coming to conclude that the reasons we find for our behavior, in the end, matter very little… and that the things that do matter are the what we actually did and the choices we actually made and not just spoke of or formulated in my mind. Our choices are a function of our decisions, which are a manifestation of our true beliefs… in some ways to say, we act exactly as we are. This is difficult to stomach in our society, which is mostly built on just saying the right things and projecting images of ourselves that don’t actually exist. most of us would rather not think about it…but sometimes I don’t know how to see it any other way. And even if its not what what you wanted to hear…there’s actually a lot of hope in knowing you can make a change before you run out of time. And this is the irony of procrastination - By putting things off to avoid suffering, you only save up the suffering to be endured at a later time - and though the thought of doing it now may seem impossible to you in this moment, the pain of tending to it now cannot compare to the existential and irreversible pain of deep regret that you are saving for yourself later.

I’m experiencing the pain of neglecting that which I know I need to do. Things I’ve been putting off for days, weeks, months and even years are reaching through to grab my attention. I’ve realized for myself that I can’t wait another day because if I were honest I’ve been saying “tomorrow” for what seems like an eternity now.

I’m trying to be honest with myself now. There are things we all know we need to do… we may try to run from it… busy ourselves with activity, find excuses, develop lifestyles of endless escapsim and fantasy… but I am understanding more than ever now that the pain of ignoring these signs eventually becomes far greater than the pain of tending to them. Regret forms a type of a prison around our hearts… and I’d rather know the pain of freedom in honesty than the shackles of living a lie. Start what you need to start, and do it tomorrow (literally)… for the problems of life will continue to exist and time, unfortunately, is not sympathetic to our excuses…it just continues to roll regardless.

To do this one may need to silence the opinions of peers, family and loved ones… for even they don’t know what you know… the thing that is itching at your heart and soul… calling for you to take care of it… and for some of you the invitation to finally begin your life… to take responsibility.

Yall, don’t wait another day. I know I can’t anymore, I’m being forced to change. I’m realizing and coming to accept… that when we say “later” we are really saying “never.” so just go ahead and do it today.

See yall NOW

How?!?!

I’m writing this because I can hardly believe this happened myself but it did.

so I’m in New York, I came up here for a tattoo appointment tomorrow with one of my great tattoo inspirations Chris Garver. Tell me why last night me and my friend were just walking around New York trying to find somewhere cool to grab a drink. I googled bars near us and found this cool looking sake bar.

when I walked down the steps into the bar, I ran into Chris Garver walking out of the front door as I was walking in. In a city of 8 million people, at this place and at this time, I happened upon the very person I have come to see.

It’s crazy times

The Rise and Fall of Dynasty: A True Atlanta Story

Chapter 1: The shortest dynasty to ever live

Friends and family, I come back from Buckhead with a true Atlanta tale. One so laced with complexity, mystery and nuance that eventually I began to cherish it quite literally as folklore as much as I despised it for happening to me.

What I have experienced over the last few months, as I opened my concept store Dynasty and almost immediately chose to close it and move out, has taught me priceless lessons and in many ways redirected and reinvigorated my life.

I wanted to write about this here on my blog instead of doing it on instagram because I feel like its really important to me to let you guys know where I’m at… especially any of you out there who have purchased some art, print, or taken an art class, or supported Blooms Emporium or any of the events I’m always trying to do… I really feel like you guys are with me as I’m growing and trying to find the next steps. I want to overemphasize my appreciation for you, because I realized in this particular time in my life that you guys are the energy force, the fire, and the motivation that has given me a lot of hope and positivity during a more challenging and complicated time.

I also wanted to share more-so the personal experience I had in this situation and ultimately what it taught me, instead of the details of actual situation and characters themselves - for it is filled with holes and is shrouded in mystery - a mystery I quickly realized that I didn’t want to solve. To make a long story short, it came to a point with the entity that I was working with where I no longer felt it safe or a good idea to continue business there. Though the concept of Dynasty was so beautiful and the idea came together so wonderfully in its physical form, there was always a feeling I had about it like being a ball resting on a needle… right on the edge of… well something happening.

So, just after about a month of setting up my new space and new apartment in buckhead… after the grand opening, investing over $10,000 into the space in decor, locks, installations, electrical… Dynasty has returned to its original state… 2 empty rooms and an idea living in my mind once again.

If I have been out of touch, not responding, etc… I’ve been moving, and focussing on getting myself together. This situation has led me down an inward path of reflection, re-evaluation and searching, and in many ways disrupted my life in a necessary manner to help me see more clearly. And through everything, here are some of the things I’ve been learning:

CHAPTER 2: FINDING HEALING IN THE PRESENT

In our lives, things are going wrong each and every moment of each and every day. And every so often, those things that are going wrong are happening to you. Things break, things don’t work out, things change… and sometimes you are right in the middle of it all it seems. When I was wrestling with whether or not to continue Dynasty in Buckhead, I found myself engulfed in the worry of the future… thinking down every little path in which everything would end in a fiery inferno. I realized that I was preoccupied with a future that did not exist… and I began to realize it was robbing me of the present moment and was causing me to neglect the very beautiful and good things that were right in front of me.

I was looking at everything I had to do… having to run Blooms Emporium, staying on top of ongoing projects, worrying about making rent and paying off the new equipment I had just invested in for the business…just, constant worry. And you know what? On the Saturday during this whole time I had to pack up and leave, I had the biggest art class turnout I’ve ever had at Blooms Emporium. I was so pre-ocuppied and exhausted that I didn’t even check to see how many people were coming to the class and much to my surprise it was the most we had ever had.

I realized in this moment what I needed to do. Just be present. This epiphany is hidden in plain sight in our lives… that more often than not the answer to everything is right in front of you. I saw these students in the class that day and was filled with a moment of thankfulness… and I realized I was looking at my responsibilities as chores to get through rather than opportunities to inspire and impact others. I began to shift my mindset and to count the blessings more carefully, beginning to understand that power of shifting my perspective, especially in times of disappointment and failure. I believe that I experienced everything in Buckhead just to be able to learn this lesson about being present, or how we might say, “finding the light.” I learned that that more I focussed on the negatives - this ain’t gonna work, this sucks, I hate this, why is this happening to me? - the more I felt my heart closing off to the world. To find the light in life means to keep your heart open through pain and disappointment. And I know that sometimes it’s the last thing we want to do, but it is the passage through which one must walk to find the answer… which is most often outside of oneself… in the service of others or a greater purpose.

Within moments of great pain or crisis are hidden some of the most beautiful lessons about love, life, and purpose. In these moments we are most vulnerable and weak, but it is in this same moment that we have the opportunity to be completely open to what there is for you. After all, only when one is empty can they be filled up again.

I started to realized that I couldn’t fix my problems by worrying about them, and I chose a new value in my life… to just focus on the present. Every painting, tattoo, customer to come through Blooms Emporium… yall are my REAL life. The people in front of me and around me, my family, my staff, my friends… yall are my REAL life. Anyone who has ever supported me by buying a print, painting, or taken a class. yall are my REAL life. sometimes you need to climb down focus on what you can do right now and the things that the universe has given you right now, chances big and small, and you may find everything falling into place.

Chapter 3: the sun is always shining somewhere (YEAR OF THE DRAGON PAINTING)

Each night the sun retires behind the horizon out of site. Even though it’s not shining on you anymore, it’s shining somewhere on somebody.

In the original Dynasty design, the penultimate installation - the great cherry on top - was to be the sliding painting door. If you had a chance to see Dynasty, I was going to replace the door to the tattoo studio with a sliding painting of a dragon. I was so excited to work with my friend Conner to install this painting on hidden tracks, so it would look like another painting on the wall, except it would move.

During the last days of Dynasty, I was feeling pretty stressed and sad, but I figured I would at least squeeze one giant piece out of the whole situation. At every transition or great event in my life, I like to paint a dragon. In a lot of ways, it’s like a checkpoint as to where I am as an artist. With each dragon, I can see my understanding deepen and grow… and each of them mark a specific moment in my life. So, I went ahead and painted the big piece of wood that was to be the door. I locked myself in Dynasty and just put myself into it - all the confusion, pain, the feeling of starting over - I just put it all in there. I chose to do a black and white dragon because I felt like this whole experience was a lesson in understanding contrast in life - the light and the dark, and how they must both exist in union. Working in black and white is a study of value, since there is no color to break up the composition. To me, Black and white works contain a certain classic-ness and purity, and challenges your understanding the essence of the subject.

This painting is about a character who is learning to operate amidst the darkness through fierce waters, winds and clouds. Behind the clouds hides the sun, that is serving as his eternal hope and purpose in suffering. When we begin to understand our eternal purpose and identity, challenges in life become necessary moments that are meant to shape us, form us and prepare us for true glory. We open ourselves up to becoming an active participant in our growth, finding healing in our very willingness to believe, adapt and move foward.

I’ve finished it in time for Lunar New Years, the year of the wood dragon. I have it displayed in Blooms Emporium now if you would like to come see it in person.

Thank you for reading this blog. I wish I could say what the next steps are for me as far as tattooing and art… but in a way right now I’m not too concerned with all of it. I’m concerned with becoming the person I’m supposed to be and letting the universe take care of the rest. I hope that you gained something from reading this, and that you are reminded to stay present here in life. Live in the moment, live a real life, put your heart into it and what the world open up to you. The journey is not without pain, but it does have the opportunity to exist without vanity.

Love you guys, thank you for the continued support.

Not art related

It’s important to be able to face yourself and that’s why it’s in your best interest to trust your intuition and listen to yourself about what you need to do. Sometimes this may cause distance and friction between you and your environment but at the end of the day each person faces themself, not their parents, colleagues or their peers.

from the internet perspective, we all seem to believe everyone’s life is just that much better than ours. A lot of things are going great for me at the moment in my career and my art but I’m realizing it’s the other stuff that’s going to be a lot harder than the art part. It’s weird in a way I’m living my dream only to realize that it’s not living the dream that’s the hard part but it’s maintaining some connection to reality in the other areas of your life… the parts that will be there no matter how everything is going “professionally.” In many ways, the real parts. Sometimes I wonder why it’s easier for me to paint a picture than it is to take the chance of letting someone into my life.

My friend put it like this once…Sometimes you climb to this place on a mountain… and what happens when you can’t climb up anymore? Maybe it’s a peak… or maybe it’s a blocked passage. It didn’t work… or it ended. Either way you can’t keep going there. All you can do is just climb down…

You ever feel like you’ve been up there forever? Trying and doing the same old thing? And maybe it used to work, but now it doesn’t anymore? Your pride won’t let you leave… you just want to keep trying to find a way through or to stop there…but it’s just not time anytime.

Sometimes you have to walk back down the mountain and find another way. It’s just how it is. It’s life. Take a second to see where you’ve gone and just… find another way. Take the lessons, have the memory… and find a new adventure.

It takes courage to come down because it feels like going backwards. But this is the humility in life… to return to being a student always.

I need to find something new.