Whatsup yall, back with my weekly blog update post! It has been another adventurous week deep in the arts. I am continuing to tattoo, work on clothing designs, paint, and conceptualize my solo show. For this post, I wanted to do a reflection on where I am in life versus a detailed recap of the week. But to give yall a quick update - fashion is moving forward: had an amazing meeting with Made On Earth Studios about our collab… and man we are so excited. I’m still developing the system I will use to get going on the custom pants for yall, and I’ve finally started on the paintings for my solo show. Each day will be dedicated to chipping away at this massive task of a solo art show. All the way up to October 14th and more. But anyways, here’s a little bit about what I am going through.
Things for me are leading to somewhere, everything in my life that is growing, dying, forming, breaking feels purposeful. Showing me the light. Showing me what needs to be and what needs to go. And just to go straight into the deep here, I know now beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am in a monumental and critical moment of my life. I’m starting to feel that it is much further beyond career or anything external… this moment is about who I will choose to become. It is about HOW I will move forward in life not just as an artist and a creative, but more importantly, an individual. This is a blessing and a curse of how I operate and who I am created to be, but my life is under constant review. I am asking myself always, “what serves this mission? what serves my purpose? and what serves who I wish to become in life?” and I let there be no bias. Let me look honestly at my life, all the choices that have led me to this time. Let me lay it all on the ground and yet again choose what to leave and what to take. What is changing for me recently is that I’ve discovered a power within myself to really decide which direction I will take, in the big and little things. I am challenging the idea that life is just “happening to me” and that the circumstances around me are completely out of my control. I’m opening myself up to the idea that I have much more autonomy than I ever thought, and that I play a critical role in determining my steps and my experience in life. I have taken the magnifying glass to myself and have arrived at maybe the most important question I could ever ask about anything: “why?”
Why am I here? Why I am I in this environment? Why do I want her? Why did I fail? Why did I succeed? Why do I prioritize this over that? Why did I react the way I did? Why does this make me sad? Why can’t I stop this behavior? Why do I believe I need this? To name a few.
I ask “why” to the world around me because I’ve come to my own revelations about the treadmills that I have been on myself… cycles that are keeping me stagnant, feeling like walking in around in a culdesac… wondering, “WHY have I found myself in this position once again?” For me, it is the fear of letting go that keeps my in my unhealthy cycles, as the pain has become a strange comfort. I wonder if I will be happier if I choose the harder path. I wonder if I will be missing out if I become a person of greater convictions. I wonder if I will not longer have fun. I wonder if I will now be old. All of these thoughts deter me from trying to break free, though deep in my spirit I know what I need to do. But for whatever reason I am now finding myself in a place where I am desiring the next level, the next chapter of my life. The things that once served me temporarily fade into the distance as I determine my direction and my goals.
The Initial Decent
I am 2 months away from my solo show. I have such high standards and expectations for myself with this show. It will be one of the benchmark moments in my life. I have had the most difficult time starting the work… last week was a maddening struggle. I was feeling uninspired and fearful, unable to put paint down on the canvas, afraid that the show was going to fall short of what I was hoping it would be. I was feeling stale, wondering if I was just recycling the same ideas over without any real purpose. I needed a new perspective and a new inspiration. I took some time to take a step back, and instead of thinking about the art I starting thinking about what I was saying the first part of this blog. What is in my spirit? What is my heart really feeling? and really, “how am I doing?” I took some time to take a look at myself and yet again try to be brutally honest with what I want in life and how I imagine the world around me to be. I dreamt of my future: what kinds of people who would be in it, what would be the driving force behind my decisions, and of course the great WHY behind my very existence. As I sat in this space, refusing to look away until I came to terms with myself, the image came into view. I caught a reason. I caught a direction. and all that bloomed into a beautiful vision. I see it now, the mark that I am aiming at.
This process gave everything in my life a context. No longer aimless, the confusing aspects came into focus with great clarity in a moment. I knew what I had to do.
I’m realizing that the solo show is much more about what’s going on in me versus just art itself. I’m learning to pour myself into these works so that it may reflect who I truly am inside. As I discover my purpose, the rest of life’s bullsh*t - the cycles, the culdesac, the unhelpful rhetoric, the opinions and insecurities of others the addictions, the patterns… have a more clear place to exist.
At first I thought I was going to do an art show, but it looks like I am needing to find some healing in my life. I want to heal so that I can help heal the world… even if it’s just a few people in front of me. I’ve begun the initial decent. I’m founding out the truth - the truth about myself, the truth about life, and the truth about what things in life will last forever. I’ve made a decision to start taking care of myself, to create a place of safety for me in this time. I’m getting off the grid, disengaging from the noise, and im going under to find something real.
They say nothing lasts forever but in some ways I disagree. one’s spirit can.
Stay tuned, AB