In a strange turn of many events I have found that I have been invited down the dark and mysterious road of rockstardom. It is something that I am having a difficult time digesting, and so far the tropes of lust, selfishness, and superficiality are turning out to be all too true. It sounds so self-absorbed to admit it, but I am realizing that I have to process my reality “as-is” even if there are parts that I don’t know how to deal with… But people are watching heavy… and I am starting to know it. It’s a weird experience, having people know who you are and love what you do and come talk to about it… sometimes I don’t know what to say and often times I am very shy. I don’t know what to do with compliments other than say “thank you.”
“What do you mean by rock-stardom?” you might ask. I understand the strangeness of admitting this out loud, and I have an incredibly difficult time explaining these experiences to my friends… even to myself. My life is happening VERY fast right now and I suppose I’m holding on for dear life. I am wrestling with this idea that I really want to change and I really want to explore all these new experiences in life, but I am scared of losing myself…. and losing the pure parts of my heart. This stuff really matters to me… Man change is hard.
But I’ve made a commitment to myself to go all the way and to see for myself… no matter what anyone thinks, I have to discover who I am in the world and how I am to decide what to do with it. I have made a decision to never let anyone else hold that power over me, telling me how to look, what to say, and what to love. That is the very right of our freedom as people… to be ourselves. I often feel lonely these days. I am in a new world… trying to find balance, trying not to change my core values, trying not to get swept up in the highs or the lows… but just wanna make art and change the world is all.