Just got off a week producing two songs for Peter Larsen. It was a great week of creating, talking dreams, and busting a mad hang. It is encouraging to feel like you’re craft is growing with each attempt. I feel like my ear is improving, my senses are heightening, and I cam growing stronger and more efficient. I’ve been mixing music for 10 years now, and feel only now might I feel confident in what I can do. It is such a mind game. Sometimes I wonder if I might be better off just believing that I’m amazing at this, but at the same time, the wondering if I’m any good at this at all is what keeps me hungry to keep learning and to keep improving. My goal with each thing I create is to do something I’ve never done before, and to learn one new concept.
Today I met a poet in Stone Mountain named Janette Ikz. Such a hilarious and amazing spirit. It just so happened she was looking for a studio to work out of near here. It feels like random things are happening for a reason.
This week I was sad for the first time about leaving Athens. I have busied myself so much with the move that I’ve been able to escape some of these emotions. But the thing with emotions is that they’ll catch up to you… at some point. I just haven’t processed how much that place meant to me and how much it was my home. It’s weird, the whole time I lived there I never 100% said it was my home, and the moment I moved I realized that it was. What they say is true - you don’t ever know what you’ve got til it’s gone. This will be a slow burn.
For the last half a year or so I’ve wanted to live like there were no rules. I’ve been questioning a lot of things. What is religion? What is God? Is my religion just a prison cell keeping me from a free life? I wanted to be free - just like the freedom portrayed in the media in the world. I wanted to be inconsequential. I demagnetized my moral compass. I started writing my own rules. But I think I’m being moved out of that. I think I’ve come to the end of this way of living, at least in this iteration. Basically I’ve learned that doing whatever you want is fun and feels good for a moment, but it also feels totally meaningless.
I was happier when I cared.