Who Is My Father?

The last couple days have been heavy. Thanks, as always for hopping into the story and your prayers. I am lonely, tried, and have had some intense breaking moments already. It's in these moments where the muscle of faith can be exercised. Believe, believe believe. Hope, hope, hope.  follow, follow, follow. That's all I've got left to do. This one's going to be split into 3 chapters...  

1. Dad's Court Sentence
2. Visiting Grandma's Grave (photo gallery)
3. Who Is My Father?

Chapter 1: Going to my dad’s court sentence. This was  a surprise, I didn’t know we were going to this together until this morning. A lot in me was fighting it because I knew it would be boring and honestly didn’t want to spend my time sitting in a court room with my dad. But I was so glad I went and was willing to say “yes” to whatever he wanted me to do. I didn’t know the seriousness of what was happening and the importance of my unconditional support. 

The Courthouse

Some context. I am back and forth about what is appropriate to share, but I’m also wondering what the point of protecting this information is. What stays in the dark has power, so maybe I’ll light it up on a computer screen. We’ll see. This is my family’s mess, but I think it is important to share what is happening so we can be praying for my dad. It is heavy and dark, but at the same time I find myself un-surprised that this is happening because humanity, without Jesus (and most of the time with Him), can be so backwards to the core.  Days before my grandmother died, my dad’s little brother and his family emptied her bank account and transferred the rights to all her property without telling any of the other siblings. The amount they stole equaled about $300,000 dollars US cash and close to $1,000,000 dollars in property. Yeah... When my dad confronted his little brother about the matter, his brother filed a restraining order against him and also pressed charges claiming that my dad “robbed them of peace and well-being.” There is  clear evidence of my dad’s brother’s behavior, including forged signatures at multiple banks for the withdrawal of my grandmother’s savings. My dad has already been to court in attempts to accuse his brother’s actions, but expects that some bribes may be involved since they have ruled in his brother’s favor despite blaring evidence of what has happened. It's unnerving knowing how much money and power my dad's brother has in this situation. In these matters in Taiwan there is no jury, just a judge, giving a lot of power to single entities without input from citizens. It’s just a big mess. 

He wanted to go early so he could observe the judge. To see if he got a good or bad apple. Bad apple. We sat in on a couple cases. Honestly I was a little nervous watching all of what was happening. Though I couldn’t understand everything that was being said, I could understand the judge’s behavior and attitudes. The first case we saw, the judge was yelling at an old man because he couldn’t speak loud enough for him to hear. It broke my heart to watch that, and made me nervous for dad. I could tell me dad was getting nervous too. I read Psalm 34 and prayed for my dad and that God would soften the judge and that the truth would be revealed and pursued. I shared some of the Psalm 34 and told him to read it in the courtroom. Time went on, we waited for about two hours. Dad checked the waiting list and saw that he was about 5 names down the list, and each case lasted about 20 minutes. So decided to step out and get some fresh air. This was a really amazing moment for us.

We prayed right in front of this eagle.

We walked up to this area with this giant wooden eagle sculpture. And my dad said to me, “I think it’s a godsend that you are here. Just by you being here, has helped me through this.” Then he opened up about this whole thing to me and told me that he was so amazed at my faith. He said he wished he could have faith like that. He is frustrated and saddened by his brother. He told me that it was hard for him to believe in the goodness of God when people like his brother and sister-in-law could be so evil. He told me that if his trial went well, it would be a sign that God is there. I believed deep in me that God would bless the trial, that he would make a way for my dad to have a voice and for that voice to be heard. I was so confident and so expectant that God was going to move. Before we went back into the courtroom, I asked my dad if I could pray for him and for the trial, and we bowed our heads right there in front of that magnificent wooden eagle. I began to realize today a little more why my dad can't trust anyone. His own brother framed him. When we left he told me that the only people in the world he had was me, my sister, and my mom. He is an orphan. 

I really believed that God was going to move on the judge and the trial and allow the truth to be heard, but when we went back downstairs, we had missed his slot by one hearing which was so mysterious to me because when we left there were at least 6 people in front of him. They reassigned his time for another day. This is all so mysterious. But maybe, God was protecting him so that he could get a better judge next time. Or maybe the purpose of all of this was so that we could lift up prayers in front of that eagle. Maybe it was so that I could see all the layers beneath my dad's pain and help me to understand why he is the way he is. When we left, my dad kept saying, "there must be some kind of design in all of this." Yes, yes there is. 

Chapter 2: Visiting Grandma's Grave: Yesterday morning, we left the city on bike and rode to the temple where my grandmother's ashes are kept. Wr payed our respects, cleaned her resting place, and spent some time in this beautiful field right outside of the temple. This is best told in the pictures.

Chapter 3: Who Is My Father? This part is a little heavy. You've been warned. I must let the truth of the situation speak, good bad and ugly truth. I need to preface all of this by saying that it is imperative to separate the deeds of a broken man from the man himself. These are the actions of my father, but they are all spewing from deep, unresolved brokenness. I write these things not to illicit pity for me, or incite anger towards this man. I write it so that we might find some freedom in facing the truth of my life. I won't take any "I'm sorry's," but maybe a couple "Praying for you, you are not alone's."

All my life my dad has cut me down. When it comes to music, he has always found ways to make sure I knew I wasn't good enough at it. When I was nineteen I started posting videos on youtube of me covering some songs and he would comment on them and criticize things about my performance. It tore me apart. That's why I am scared to do youtube videos. I am coming to understand that he doesn't do it to hurt me, it's just that he has a plan for my life and it doesn't look like what I'm doing. He doesn't know how to deal with that reality, it is out of his control, so he tries to control me through discouraging me. In his mind, I might come to my senses and get a real job. His whole upbringing was struggling to make it, so he cannot understand a perspective that isn't about making money. 

Yesterday, he took me to see a band and meet up with his college friend in Taipei. At dinner he told me that my last album didn't impress him and that he thought the songs were weak. He said they didn't move him and that they needed more dynamics. As the one who wrote the songs, engineered and produced the record, it broke me. We worked relentlessly on making that record. This comment burned deep inside me. I felt like there was an open wound in my heard and my dad stuck his finger all the way in there. We stayed at the show and my dad got a little drunk. We end up missing the last train back to home, which is 2 hours away. We are sitting in the train station now. My dad refuses to pay for a cab and tells me we're going to spend the night at the train station. It's 11:30pm, the next train comes at 5:30am. There's something in him, that I have inherited, that needs to pay in full for all his mistakes. In his mind, it was his fault we missed the train so we had to punish ourselves by being homeless for the night. His pride won't allow him to be loved. At this point I'm fuming because he will not listen to reason. I offered to even pay for the cab, to no avail. He began to take off his socks and shoes to fortify his decision.  And for some reason, at this point. Everything in me broke and I lost it. 

I mean, I went insane. It felt like years of anger, frustration, confusion came spewing out of me. 24 years of never being known or sought, of being treated like I was stupid, of not being heard. I would be heard now. I wanted to give justice to every comment he ever said to me to put me down. I wanted to pay him back for how his pride and his anger and robbed my family. For that one time when I was sixteen and he came into my room and punched me in the face. For every time I heard my mama cry. For feeling like I never had a safe home. He stuck his finger into the biggest wound of my soul. Everything went red. I felt like a nine-year old kid, on the playground, and the playground bully pushed me one too many times. I grabbed him by the collar and threw him to the ground. Standing over him in the fluorescent light of the station, my face pressed against his, I released everything. I am yelling at the top of my lungs, "I don't understand why it is like this! I don't understand why you are like this!" I was afraid of myself in that moment. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted to be heard. I felt like I had tried everything I knew how except force. My desperate measure: You. will. hear. me. It felt like I was a cornered and this was my only way out. I wanted him to feel the hurt that was inside me. I wanted him to hear me. He gave me the keys to the house and told me to leave and do whatever I wanted, but that he was staying in the train station. Before I left he said this to me, "If I had succeeded as a father, I would not have raised someone like you."

Those words follow me . I am frozen in the cab, fighting back tears. I was afraid and alone, confused and hurt. I should not have let this situation push me to that point. I should not have touched him. I also thought I had undone all the good that was done in the last two days. I wondered if I destroyed any chance of God moving in this situation. I also wonder how my own dad could look at me and say those words to me. Honestly, I felt like, in this moment, hope had left our relationship. It's 1:30 when I get back. I am a lunatic in the park, pacing back and forth and crying on the phone. I reach out to my home bases. Mom, Kerby, and Michael and Ivey who know and love me the best of anyone. They prayed for me, encouraged me, and helped me to understand the whole situation. They helped me hope again. 

I will not let this situation stop what God has in store. I apologized to my father this morning for my actions last night, owning my side of the street. He took my apology and threw it right back in my face. God, we need some second chances here today. Today I am feeling tired and discouraged. The depth of my father's brokenness and irrationality is continuing to be revealed. I feel like I am trying to move an immovable object. I am facing a giant. And as pain is being revealed in my dad's heart, I am seeing the same pain within my own life. I am being brought to the end of what I can manage and what I can understand. I am in a foreign place with a man I cannot trust or believe. I am alone. I am in the belly of the beast. But in the depths of my soul I am crying out to God to come and minister, to pour out His grace and peace. I don't really know what else to pray right now. I prayed for this trip for so long, for salvation, for life change, and it's so hard for me to believe right now. My prayer is now, God, show me the point of all this. Help me believe. Father me. Tell me the truth. 

I am pressured to assure you guys that despite all this I am doing fine. But let's leave the masks in the jail. Masks free no one.  The truth is, I am not doing fine. This hurts like hell, to face all this. I am confused and unsure in what to do now. There is a lot of tension. But you know what is so amazing about this after all? The even here, the Holy Spirit dwells in me. I can feel Him whispering to my heart. He is the eye in the storm. In a moment of great disappointment, which way will we go? In the presence of failure, what will we choose? When we feel defeated, will we let God raise us up? Who is the father? Who is my father? This man that raised me, who has made sure all my life I knew I didn't  have what it takes. He is just a man. A broken and lost child whose body resembles an adult human being. But He is just a man, a dad, and he might be trying the best he can. But my real, heavenly father loves me. He knows the depths of my heart, my desires and my hurts. He was there at the train station yesterday. He catches all those words and corrects them. He protects my heart. He leads me through the night with a pinlight in the distance. This is His hope. He makes a promise an follows through on it no matter the cost. My father loves my music, my heart, and the person I am becoming each day. He forgets the ways I have sinned against Him and His people. He is very proud. Let me walk in this and this alone.

Thank you guys for the prayers. We continue to climb.

Andrew

The Yoke Of Jesus

It's my first morning in Taiwan. My dad and I went to breakfast this morning and got some yummy Taiwanese bread and one of my favorite breakfast moves: the hot soy milk. It's like a sweet, hot milk. My sinuses are acting funny, sneezing a lot, it might be the air or from not sleeping. Either way, I hope I'm not getting sick. Lot's of tea, lot's of water. Lot's of tea, lot's of water. After breakfast, I decided to take a walk around the city, and ultimately landed at this tiny little coffee spot called Louisa Coffee. The coffee is really good! I'm here listening to Coldplay (rainy day anthems) and letting Galatians 5 encourage me. The time here with my dad has not been rainbows and butterflies, but I have been prepared and equipped to engage, love and support no matter what. I needed some introvert time to meet with the Lord, read, and experience the quiet and become recharged for the rest of the day. I am reading about the yoke of Jesus. 

What does it mean to take on the Yoke of Jesus? In the book of Matthew, chapter 12, Jesus says "Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." This is such an interesting command to me because a yoke still signifies slavery, something we have been freed from in Jesus. In Galatians 5, Paul even commands us to "not submit again to the yoke of slavery, for it is for freedoms sake Christ has set us free (paraphrased)." So then which is it? How is it that we take on someone's yoke and are fully free at the same time?

Trusting Jesus is the great exchange of yokes. It is the great surrender of all burdens, for one ultimate price: Your life. Trusting Jesus means that you give up all your rights to let Him govern your life, to let him direct, guide and take care of you. It's trading the need to know all the answers for the need to know the person, and it's giving up our perspective for eyes to see the bigger picture. The yoke of the world is a completely different yoke by nature than the yoke of Jesus. The yoke of the world ultimately leads to slavery because at it's core it is about ourselves. It's about protecting our own lives, accumulating more, and being the biggest thing we can be. The yoke of Jesus leads to freedom because at it's core it is about God, and it positions us to be used for a greater purpose. Any yoke that points inwards is not freeing. We are in bondage to our selfish desires.

The yoke of the world wears many guises. Here are some I can think of: 

• The Yoke of Accumulation: We become enslaved to more. More possessions, more status, more praise. It's even more guised in the church. Who can seem the most perfect? Who can have it all together? Who can do more for God? The yoke of accumulation enslaves us to ourselves, disabling us from living generosity and giving freely our resources, time and love. 
• The Yoke of Emotion: We become enslaved to what we feel. I know this thing first hand and I'd be first to raise my hand as someone who is tossed left and right by every emotion I feel. And though emotions are important and give insight into what's going on, we must be careful to not let them dictate our path. Emotions are part of the truth, but not the full truth.  The yoke of emotion disables us from being agents of change in situations that are uncomfortable and give us excuses to disengage situations that might desperately need the salt of heaven. I have been at fault in confusing my low emotional capacity for "discernment," judging people or situations on what I feel rather than what God may think. 
• The Yoke of the Past: God doesn't put us in time out. It doesn't matter what you have done or where you've been. It's just not the truth. The most beautiful image of the Father's heart is depicted in the parable of the prodigal son, in which the father runs to the son while he is far away. In that culture, it was shameful for old men to run and to pick up their garments in that fashion, it signified weakness. There is a waterfall of grace through Jesus, that pours over your soul day and night. Before you fall, you are already loved and made whole. The Yoke of Past makes us walk in circles at the base of the mountain, making us falsely believe that we have to work our way back into God's good graces. We waste our time trying to polish a heart that is already made clean through the blood of Jesus. When we live under shame from our past mistakes, we dismiss the work of Jesus on the Cross and insult God's promise to us. We put limits on God's love and  restrict his healing power to a work's-based game - a game which, as we already know, we will lose very time.
• The Yoke of Offense: When we live as the world does, everyone and everything begins to owe us something. When we live like this, every interaction and every venture becomes a self-centered grab for accolades, praise, love and attention. Then, because of their very nature, people and systems begin to fail us. Friends don't include us like we feel like we deserved to be included, church leaders turn out to actually have problems of their own, people use you, you feel like you don't get the thanks you deserve. You become offended in your core. You become bitter. Bitterness grows when we let the sun set on our anger. It begins as a small disconnect, shoved into darkness and isolation, left to grow mold and multiply. Then it manifests as a wounded heart with an open sore. And it's like a massive, throbbing blister - where even the slightest rub insights gripping pain. It is the same with an offended heart. Every little thing begins to offend. Every failed expectation is interpreted as a personal mission to hurt you. It's an illusion. The yoke of offense makes enemies out of the world. We stop listening and only hear the narrative we've written in our own wounded heart. We cannot change the world wearing the yoke of offense.

I could go on.

But, there is another way. The Yoke Of Jesus. I hear His invitation to us:

"Dear sons and daughters. You have been carrying the weight of your brokenness all your life. You have fabricated a world to live in all on your own. This world has your rules, your expectations, your opinions. And though it is all yours, you are enslaved to it all the same. You have not yet experienced a life that is beyond the reaches of yourself and you have not yet walked to places that you were not able to see with your earthly eye. You are a slave of the Earth and it's rules. You plant many seeds but don't see them grow because the shadow your self hides the seed from my light, that makes it grow. You are so tired and you don't know why. You have filled your life with many things, much noise, but when you lay down at night, the quiet reveals the emptiness of your soul. The purposelessness of all your labor. But I have a yoke. I have a way of life. I'm throwing a party. At this party, you are fully loved. My love fills you up so full that you don't have room to be offended anymore. You don't have time to be bitter anymore. You won't need to accumulate the status and praise of the world. There's so much laughter at this party, not at the expense of others, but laughing at the wildness of grace and unbelievable life available through surrender to my ways. There's a lot of dancing at the party because you have forgotten the pressure to be presentable to others. You've forgotten yourself. The party is going to be so loud and bright that people will crawl to it from the mud and the desert. And we will greet them at the door, undo their chains, and cloth them inside with a new identity. Together. The party only has one condition for entrance: Your whole life. Leave your expectations and limitations at the door. Leave your low self-esteem outside. Leave the dark patterns, and the ways you are trying to fill your life with meaningless noise. Leave the darkness. Leave your need for all the answers. Leave your self-centered ways. You won't have time for any of this. We will be too busy living. My yoke is so different than the one you brought with you. It's a moment-by-moment challenge to die to yourself, not preserve yourself. But in this death, you will find your true life, fulfillment, and rest for your souls. Sin and shame have lost their voice in your life. Though you will continue to fight many voices and temptations of many kinds, my voice is the only one that can truly move your heart. The music of the party will play over your victories, struggles, breakthroughs, and dark nights. There is a seat at the table with your name on it. Come in when you get tired of being in the cold. This yoke is open wide for you and all people who want to come under it, all who have come to the end of themselves."

Meet Dad - Taiwan Day 0.5

I made it out here! 15 hours in the place and 2 buses, we have finally made it back to where my dad lives. He lives in his mother's old house, as she passed away a little over 2 years ago. It's 10PM Taiwan time and 9AM Monday in Georgia, so looks like I am 13 hours ahead in the future. I'll let yall know if anything goes down! The secret to the plane ride is cycles. Mine is Book until bored, movie until bored or til the end whichever comes first, music until tired, sleep as long as you possibly can. I did the cycle about three times and BOOM! we were landing!

My dad make our way on the bus and go straight to the house. The house is right in the city so when you go out the front door, everything is right there. We hit the ramen spot right next door and it was delicious! It was one of my favorite places to go last time too. We've been having good conversations. He told me about his siblings and what was going down after his mom died. It's definitely messy and confusing for them, but I was so glad to be in on it. One thing about my childhood was that I never knew about the messy stuff in our family. Things that were happening, things that happened in the past, I didn't know about til basically now. I still don't know a lot of things, but this week I'm finding out! I think they were trying to protect me maybe, but ultimately it left me feeling a very strange but tangible disconnect in my identity. I didn't where who or where I'd come from. We talked excitedly about the plans over the next few weeks. My dad has planned a couple really cool things for us to do, including some sightseeing, and we're going to go pay respects all all my grandparents, who have all died since the last time I was in Taiwan and able to see them. 

I am SO tired, so I'm going to go to sleep hoping to beat the jet lag. If you are the praying type - pray for my time with my dad. I need prayers for more fruits of the spirit in our interactions. Things that used to annoy me still do, but I am seeking the LORD to help me walk in peace, understanding and love. Pray that the Lord would open my eyes to a bigger picture in the moments of frustration and that ultimately both my dad and myself would learn how to communicate better and honor each other's boundaries. Thank you guys!

The Family Cacoon - (Orange County Last Day)

My time in California has come to a close. I haven't cried until I just sat down at the airport. This whole week has been so overwhelming - one of those times that you wish you could stop and look at with a microscope, understanding and absorbing it all. But life moves on and it doesn't care if you go with it. Fighting to be in the moment but also enjoy my memories. 

Yesterday we all went to the beach. It is a pilgrimage to go to the beach with the Ketterers. We brought a tent, a table, charcoal grill, 3 surf boards, chairs, boogie boards and Rodee's beach crusin wheelchair/boat. I was dying laughing. I finally had the opportunity to go surfing, something I have heard so much about. I have been so curious about the feeling and the culture that is almost as important as the sport itself. And let me tell you... it did NOT disappoint. I caught two baby waves and stood up on them for a couple of seconds! The waves were really crazy and the currents were a little too strong to enjoy it out there, but I wish I could have tried it a couple more times. 

Ivey whipped us up some amazing burgers and I enjoyed watching the kids have a blast. Rodee was having a great time in his wheelchair and we got to go for a little push down the sand. When we got home we had some pizza and got in the healing hot tub once again. This time Dusty joined us from way down in San Diego! Everything was just so wonderful... It is so good for the soul to be around people without any agenda. I think it is the essence of living, to just be and not worry. The ladies watched a movie and the little ones were upstairs. The dogs slept on the couch. The hot tubbed steamed as we laughed about life. Just normal, full, life.  

After we got out, we all bombarded Ivey's room because I had to say goodbye. I will cherish this picture forever! We got to pray over Ivey and Michael, I want God to bless them more than anything. They give and give and give to every single person they meet. They've made the way for their amazing children to have a home, and I've seen first hand this week that it's not an easy path, but it is the one with the most meaning. If you want a cookie-cutter, Christmas card, Hallmark movie life... Don't go into the soul saving business. 

Michael was telling me about Chase, the middle brother of the three white boys, and how he wanted to be called Chase instead of his real name because he said the old version of him did bad things. Michael said that early on, he had to wrap all of his children in a cocoon of love - a safe place for them to experience their metamorphosis. When we are wrapped up in the love of family, we are safe to become ourselves. We are safe to make mistakes, learn from them, and grow. I really believe that this stop in California was more than just a time with friends, it was time to experience the cocoon for myself. It's really weird, I kept expecting Ivey and Michael to put up boundaries... to say "I'm tired, let's not engage, find something to do..." I found myself being so careful about how I acted or what I said because I think deep in me, I felt like I had to earn my right to be there and to be with their family. But the whole time they just gave their lives for me, took care of me, spoke truth into me, and encouraged and prayed for me. On Thursday, when I dropped Michael off for work, he gave me $60 and said that he wanted me to enjoy myself that day. I kept feeling indebted to them, wondering what I did to earn their love. But I have since had an amazing revelation of what family is: It is a cocoon of love that makes us feel whole and ultimately empowers us to step into the world without fear, because there is always a family to fall back on.

It is so timely and just like God to do this: To show me what real love looks like before I go to try to invite my dad into the same love. When the sons of God realize who they are, they are empowered to father everyone around them and show everyone the father's heart. I have a sense that even though my dad raised me physically, I now have the tools to father his heart and to show him the power of Jesus and forgiveness. I understand now why there is so much brokenness in the world, in our friends and our families. It is because we have not yet experienced the Cocoon of family. 

I left the house at 6:30 this morning, and Shawn came and hugged me in my room and even helped me bring my suitcase to the car. I had an amazing conversation with my Lyft driver about Jesus and the power of God's love and forgiveness. I am seeing the brokenness in my life being turned for good right in front of my eyes. I'm sitting in LAX now, and am just trying to wrap my head around everything. I feel like a new person. My cracked lens was repaired by Jesus and this family. I went through security and got this text from Michael. 

I'll let you use your imagination for the text before that one haha!!! But when I read this I began to cry. Thank you God. Please continue to pray for this time with my father. It is more exciting by the moment, I want Him to meet God. I want full reconciliation and friendship and trust to be restored. We are about to board so I am going to wrap this up. As always, I can't thank you enough for sharing in this with me and taking the time to care. Be full wherever you're at. Taiwan here I come!

Love - Andrew

Use Your I's! (Orange County Day 3)

Ivey!

Range of feelings

There's a game called Use Your I's that Ivey and I played the other evening. In the game you land on certain emotions like "anger, confusion, calm, frustration" and you have to process your feelings of a certain situation  in your life where you felt that way. You begin by saying "I feel..... when.... because. Then I want." It's totally weird because we don't ever do this in real life, and I think it's because we just hate situations that are uncomfortable... and being vulnerable is one of the least comfortable places ever. I think it's ironic that the game says "For ages 5-10," yet 5-10 year olds are better at expressing their true emotions than most adults. Michael and Ivey have really shown me so much about unconditional love this week, and how it is ok to express what is going on in you. Ivey says that by the time I leave their house, she wants me to know how amazing I am. It's been such a hard pill to understand or even swallow because I am so full of crap, but I'm learning that it's God's grace that is powerful within me, not my own holiness, morality, or will. But anyway back to understanding our emotions - Just because we feel tension, doesn't make us terrible people. Being unconditionally loved frees us to express our hurts and expectations without feeling wrong for feeling them. It allows us to understand our weakness and separate our brokenness from our identity. There is a post about Perfectionism that is brewing in me. I think a lot of us don't say what we really feel because we think avoiding confrontation and hard conversations brings peace to people, when in reality hiding in the darkness enslaves ourselves others around us. How come in our churches we don't ever share in the messes and struggles of the people in our own pews? The church is God's hospital, but it's hard to treat symptoms we cannot admit. If we always project the image of perfection, how will anyone ever feel safe to explore and grow in their weakness?

Michael, Noah and I had a full time last night, sharing songs, watching America's Got Talent videos on Youtube and talking in the hot tub. I could write a book about things we've talked about, but I think something that has stuck with me that Michael said was that this idea that taking offense makes us part of the problem and not agents of change in the problem. I thought that was profound. Anyone can be offended, but who is strong enough to work through those feelings and ultimately become part of the solution, not the problem? We need to be people who are willing to live open-handedly always asking the cardinal question, "How can I be salt to this situation?"

Anyway, here are some photo's from the day! I have had some wonderful time with the crazy boys, playing trampoline, computer games and doing some photo shoots. They are such a gift! They have been such a joy to me, Shawn made me coffee this morning AND made us all eggs and sausage for breakfast. He even gave us a tour of house on instagram and showed us some of hsi sword moves. We have had fun playing Zombies and coolmathgames.com :) I looked up Shawn on google and the meaning in Irish is "A gift." So wonderful.

Newport

Trampoline time!

hidden arcade bar (Santa Ana)

Sleepover with Hero Noah

Ketterer Photoshoot

Shawn <3

Thanks for reading! God Bless.

Running In Mud

God has a wonderful way of strengthening us. Every trial is an opportunity to grow and see the faithfulness of God. This is something that I realized just last night as Michael, Noah and I were talking about the process of forgiveness and the journey of growing dependent upon the Lord. I wanted to write this quickly before I forgot, as it was a profound moment for me in realizing the purpose hidden within the struggle of life. For me, my walk with the Lord has looked a lot like a hike through the woods climbing up to an incredible view. I know the full view is there, I'm just not there yet. Every so often there is a clearing in the trees and you can look out and be encouraged at the birds eye view you have of your life or circumstance. It is a clearing in the trees, but there is still mountain to climb. Realizing this has been a clearing moment for me. 

Running in mud. If you have found yourself in a trial that has lasted longer than you ever thought one could, if you have begun to lose hope in your victory, if you are getting distracted while you wait for the deliverance. If you feel like you are being brought through the cycle of refinement like a pair of dirty underwear going round and round in the laundry only to find that you're not fully white yet, if your feet are heavy, if it feels like you are running in mud... you have to Keep on running. What choice do we really have?

The purpose of your trial is to strengthen and prepare you so that you can sustain the freedom found after the breakthrough comes. Imagine running in wet mud for many years. The resistance becomes the norm. It is awkward, messy and clunky. You are encumbered by your trial, and restricted by your weakness. The mud could be a number of things: our addictions, our deep-rooted fears, the anxieties that don't seem to diminish, our endless battles. But then imagine that after many years of running in mud, the earth dries and becomes solid ground. Imagine the strength in your legs and the capacity of your lungs. Imagine the character forged in you capable of persevering and moving forward. Imagine the shear momentum. Imagine the understanding and the wisdom you would have of your difficult season and how you might could lead others through the same thing. It all has a wonderful purpose and is part of the process of growing designed by God. 

At what point will we stop being surprised that life can be difficult? We need to understand that not all the dots will connect on this side of heaven. Even the dots within ourselves. We are not perfect. Even the great apostle Paul cried out, "I do not understand myself,I do the things I don't want to do and I don't do the things I want to do." He felt the weight of the mud. But he also said this: "we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us (Romans 5)." The man understood the journey. From perseverance grows the character, the power, the sustainability, and the lift. 

When will the mud turn into solid ground? I don't know, and this will always be a mystery to me. Sometimes miracles happen and the mud dries overnight. Other times, the mud stays for years. There will still be mud when we die. But would  the doubt of God's faithfulness be transformed into great anticipation of freedom and a season of running with strengthened legs. Take heart and believe in the work God is doing amidst the trial. There is so much brokenness within me, and there is so much weakness that has yet to be turned to strength, but maybe in a deeper way than I have ever known, I understand why.

Thank you, Flight Attendant Richard, Hero Noah (Orange County Day 1)

THANK YOU

Hey guys... I am truly blown away by your prayers and support. I did the little post on FB and Instagram about the trip and how many have reached out to me, prayed for, and encouraged the journey has humbled me and lit a fire under me at the same time. I was thrilled to see many names on the email list from many different chapters of life - College friends, high school friends, past teachers, extended family, some I have not spoken to in years. There is a verse in Hebrews, one of the most encouraging and beautiful pictures, in chapter 12 where the author writes: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." What a wonderful picture and reminder this has already been- your prayers and kind words, that we are indeed surrounded and cheered on. We encourage each other to run.

I've been typing your emails in, growing a little more nervous with each one. While on the phone with my friend Malcolm, I confessed that I was writing to more people than I thought I would, and that this scares me, since this journey will be a very personal one, definitely vulnerable past comfort. Calmly, Mal assured me, "It's good to do things that scare you."

FLIGHT ATTENDANT RICHARD

Anointed P-NUTS.

God has gone before and is leaving me gifts along the way. Already on my flight, I had an encouraging encounter that I believe served as a reminder of God's presence within me and His mysterious ways of setting the table without us knowing. After they passed out the airplane peanuts and cookies, one of the flight attendants comes back down the aisle towards me. I am listening to some of the current mixes of the band I am producing, seeing how our progress sounds on iPhone headphones. I'm bobbing my head to their song "Keyholder," enjoying the song's epic gang vocal hook at the end. The flight attendant stops in front of me and signals that I take my headphones out. He looks at me and says, "I just have to say. You have joy radiating off your face, what are you thinking about?" What he didn't know, and what I had almost forgotten, was that my brother Jake Hagan prayed for radiant joy on my life the day before I left. Anyway, we then starting talking about where I was going and I was able to share my experience with my dad and how important I thought this trip was. He told about his own family and he wished forgiveness could have happened sooner. *There's never a better time than now*. After it all he offered to gift me a drink and about a pound of Southeast airplane peanuts (literally), saying to bring them to my dad. "Who knows, maybe they'll be a good conversation piece with him." I'm open to it. The theme is going to be yes to everything no to the devil. 

BROTHER NOAH, MICHAEL, IVEY, P.P.

I met this amazing guy in July at worship school named Noah. He lives out here in O.C. and is a rad barista and guitar player. He's only 20, but God has grown a deep will in him. He's like a long lost brother to me. Noah has been my hero. He picked me up from the airport and took me straight to eat Poke (my first time). That blew my mind. Then we went right to Daydream Surf Shop, which was a really cool surf shop/coffee shop. Then we went to watch the sunset on the beach. The sky was one of the most beautiful I had ever see. The kind with the pink firey cotton ball clouds, and It was my first time seeing the Pacific Ocean. After seeing the beach, we make our way over the Michael and Ivey's house, where I'm staying for the week. Michael and Ivey have lived a wild life and continue to walk in youthful faith and obedience. Being around them is so refreshing because, though they have radically walked with God for a long time and have changed many lives, it is clear that their faith is simple. They have managed to avoid the red tape of religion. They managed to remember the point of it all and walk in that narrow vein. I could go on and on about them and Noah. We spent the evening out on the porch, talking with Ivey and the kids, and then when Michael got home, us guys just got to hang in the hot tub and talk. Michael shared the story of his father and his father's father. As you grow up, you begin to realize that each of us comes from a unique environment and situation. Some upbringings are seemingly easier or lighter than others, but not a single one without challenge. It is folly to ever compare. As you grow with God and understand His heart for your life, the issue begins to shift from "I can't believe this happened to me" to "with God, I don't have to repeat this cycle. There is a better way." It's the journey of freedom. I'm going write about the revelation I had in the hot tub about running in mud. But I think that will be a whole post in its own. I think when it comes to freedom in our relationships, the foundation needs to be a grace to release people from being your savior. The reason we grow to resent people is because they have failed to meet our expectations and standards, and we never reconciled the divide. Grace reconciles the divide and releases people from the crushing pressure of your astronomical expectations  of them. We expect people to be our perfect fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters and friends. Let's release each other from that, and as that void is made by removing man from it, we begin to invited God, the father, in. 

I am having a wonderful time here so far. I feel God's presence with me and He is really close.  I am loving getting to watch these wonderful friends live a full life and walk with God in the ordinary steps of their every day. It is life-giving. Here are some pictures from the first day. I'll catch up with yall soon!

Noah - Hero

At the pier

Noah - Hero2

AM Surf

First Poke

Firey Cotton Balls

Time is always on our mind

Still in Spain, have a couple more days here. Currently in Barcelona. I am enjoying the city, food is excellent and the weather is perfect. More than that though, I have loved getting to hang with my mom and sister. We live in Athens, Atlanta and Boston working so it is not every day that we can all be together. 

I wanted to write about some thoughts that have been brewing and some thoughts that were provoked by this little piece of street art I spotted in Figueres the other day. This clocked, mashed into our little friend's head here caught my eye and further provoked me to explore these questions I have been asking myself for some while now. 

Am I a slave to the clock? Time, feels like to me, the person I never invited to the party. He just shows up and reminds. Always reminds. He reminds us that we have wasted him, that we won't ever have enough of him, and gets us to needlessly worry about capturing him and saving him. He is a helpful guide, but as just as he can help us make order of life, he can also begin to rule us.  

I cannot live in the past nor the future. Either of those places are illusions. Living in the past plays out as this: replaying failures and living within them, wishing for life to be the same as it used to be, growing bitter about age and the limitations that come with each additional year, the longing for youth and the negligence of wisdom. Living in the future plays out as this: holding your heart captive, not willing to give it until the perfect scenario arises, always saying "well when I get there, I will..." , living within someone else's story that was never meant for you to live, it is worshipping tomorrow. It is making an idol of the future. It is the anxiety that arises when you think about where you will go next, who you might marry, and what might become of your life. I am not to live in either of these. In the moments when I forfeit the present joy, the present task, to wallow behind or living in the next, I become a slave to the clock. I cannot live in the "what if's" or "when's". 

I must learn how to both learn from what's behind and be excited and expectant for the future, while holding both perspectives with open hands, willing to put those hands towards today's plow. Is life being stolen from me in each moment because I am obsessed with overturning stones from my path or anxious about what is beyond the bend? I must learn to let it go, to relinquish control over who gets to write my book. We walked a lot today in Barcelona, and I began to think of this. If you were to try to simply take a path while constantly looking forwards and backwards, it would be impossible to walk. Instead, we are to focus in on every step. To take care to step with direction and grace, enjoying each moment and each view that may be available to us. I'm not talking about living with no direction here, but it's taking the greatest care of how each step is taken, knowing that whatever you are called to be in today's step is the reality of your life. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. What are the opportunities today to live and be light? And are those chances lost because our minds and stuck in what's behind and what's ahead? To live in the past and future is to live in illusion. We can only use the past as a guide and the future as a glint of hope, but neither should ever become our God. Walk by faith, and walk today and nothing else. 

Spain day 1: Secret to conquering jet lag and don't eat food as soon as it hits the table

We out here. Made it to Spain. We are staying 3 days in Girona, about 60 miles out from Barcelona in Catalonia. It is beautiful here. The weather has been perfect and the sites as beautiful as you could imagine. We reach the city yesterday afternoon around 3pm, after three flights (one missed flight thanks to me!) and a train. We are 6 hours ahead of the times here, so my brain was urgently telling my body that it had pulled an all nighter to about 8 in the morning. We had been traveling for about 14 hours. 

So I think the secret to defeating the jet lag is to force yourself to stay awake until you can go to sleep and knock out until a normal time the next day. So we forced ourselves out of the air bnb and went for a little hike through the city to avoid laying down, and man was it amazing! We stumble upon Catedral De Girona and were able to just walk around all the ancient buildings surrounding the area. We climbed and climbed until we were able to find an amazing view atop what seemed to be an ancient fortress. Weather out is sunny and 70 degrees, sun falling over an ancient spanish city. Praise God! We find a nice little restaurant in town and finish up the day with some calamari, cheese, toast and white wine. We fight til around 6 and them it was time to hit the hay. 

Hilarious way to wake up. Set no alarm, slept 14 hours to wake up fresh in the morning. I wake up to the sound my mom yelling my name from the street. I mean YELLING. Our air bnb is 2 floors up from the street, when people talk down there it sounds like they're at the foot of your bed.  "ANZHOOOOOOOOO" (that's how she says it with her accent). I'm still laughing about it. I jolt out of bed. "ANZHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooOO!!!" I open the door and step to the balcony. "ANZHOOOOOOOO AHHHH" hahahahaha. So I'm so disoriented I put on my jeans but forget my shirt, can't find my glasses. I run down to the street and meet her at the door. "I got locked out!" She tells me. So I let her in and boom, we're all up! Turns out she had the keys but just assumed they wouldn't work for some reason!!! hahaha. Anyways we start the day just strolling the streets checking out different shops. We get coffees and croissants for breakfast then hit up Girona Museum of Art. It was quaint, quiet and lovely. I particularly enjoyed the impressionist paintings they had of the town. After that we hit the museum we decide to get lunch. here's our touristy hiccup at lunch:

The menu is in spanish with some loosy goose translation. We get an appetizer so my mom and I decide to order something translated to "Pumpkin Cream." Sounds sick and new. My sister gets an amazing looking bread dish with some veggies and fish on it. and when ours comes out in a big bowl with about 5 croutons and 5 pieces of what appears to be fancy bacon bits. I mean BITS. So my mom and I look at each other... Im thinking... "The heeeeehhhh is this..?" She thinking "Thee heeeeehhh is this?" So I assumed its some fancy food thing and assure my mom that it's the pumpkin "cream." I mean Europe right? I start eating my crumbs and start assuring her... " mmm Mom it's good it's supposed to be like this!" "Mom it's really good." In my head I'm thinking "this takes nothing like pumpkin" I get about half way through the croutons and the waitress comes fills the bowl with the soup that is supposed to go in there.... the pumpkin cream. She looks at me now like "The heeeehhh is this?" And then every is like "The heehhhhh!?" We are FOOLS hahah. Anyways lunch is amazing we have pumpkin cream garnished WITH croutons, bake Hake(fish) and a Pistacchio Mousse thing for desert. 

Now we're at the pad for Siesta! Taking a few hours to rest and we're going to go to a beer festival here in a little bit!

On Spain and crying at the mall of georgia

I am on the way to Spain! Donna's friend is getting hitched out there so Mom decided to take the crew! Mom, Donna and I have connected here in Boston for a few hours of airport prison (layover) and we will be taking off around 5:30 God willing! I am excited for this time with family and a chance to see another part of Europe. I have only heard good things about Barcelona, and I can't wait to be along for the ride. I am obtained a fanny pack for this outing and it has proved to be the MVP of everything thus far. I can get everything I need right from my tummy. Well not from IN my tummy but right next to it ya know. 

I am reading "Abbas Child" by Brennan Manning. This book is absolutely life-giving and has been shifting so much of my perspective. This book is Manning's exploration of God's love - the depth and power of a truly unconditional love from the father. I am just in the beginning but I am being really challenged in  my ability to receive the love of God. "Do we let God love us?" With that underlying challenge, Manning has gone on to identity the false self, the imposter, and how we tend to live out of this false identity. We cling to meaning and significance in the external, through praise, success and the approval of others, and so often overlook the most important voice of all - our father's. I am re-reading the chapter entitled "Beloved." It is so much simpler than we ever make it to be. Life. Finding joy. Experiencing peace. Finding God. Nothing we can earn, but only open ourselves up to receive. This is one of many beautiful lines from the book. This one seemed to paint the picture of all of life in a profound way

"The ordinary self is the extraordinary self - the inconspicuous nobody who shivers in the cold of winter and sweats in the heat of summer, who wakes up unreconciled to the new day, who sits before a stack of pancakes, weaves through traffic, bangs around in the basement, shops in the supermarket, pulls weeds and rakes up the leaves, makes love and snowballs, flies kites, and listens to the sound of rain on the roof."

Are we content with the ordinary self today? To live an extraordinary life, to me, is the live fully in the ordinary. To let God dwell in the every day, trusting that He will make it full and beautiful. There is truly no striving and no pressure to do anything other than just be and be well. To live in this peace releases us from judgment and the rigid grip we have on the world. Our surroundings cease to be a slave of our expectations. The world is filled with color again.

Yesterday I was walking through the mall, I was getting a couple things to prepare for our travels. And this whole thing just hit me. It was like a blanket fell on my life. I used to hate going to the mall, I judged it's materialism. But now, I was able to even feel like my trip there was just another normal yet extraordinary part of life. It sounds kinda whack to write... I mean it's just the mall. But for me it signified a radical shift in my heart as I began to live in the ordinary and be fully thankful for the mundane things around me. I think I judged the mall for being basic, wanting everyone in there to "be better" (including myself). But what a wild thing to live in and to even be aware of. As our awareness of our belonging increases, our awareness of the negative and the lack will decrease. As I am diving deep in to the love of the father, I find that I don't have room in my heart to judge or condemn situations, lifestyles or choices. To draw close to God means to be also filled with love. Regardless, I think I was walking by an auntie Anne's pretzel and began to kind of tear up because I felt Jesus walking in the mall with me. It's hard to explain but I felt like He was really for me in the moment, and also for every single person I saw. It was either his presence that moved me or the smell of the cinnamon pretzel bites... but I want to say it was Him. Anyways, they are calling for boarding as I am typing this. 6hr flight into Madrid now and then off to Barcelona. Thanks for reading! 

Making Of: Headwaters

These are my reflections on the making of "Headwaters." From start to finish. This is my perspective as their producer, friend, and one (of many) of their biggest fans. I believe in why they are making the music they are making, and their hearts behind making this record.  This process is an amazing example how a dream unfolds - every big dream is realized one baby step at a time. 

John Busby, Kerri Owens and Collin Smith , now juniors at UGA, are a part of incredible group of young people that I have had the privilege of getting to know over years.  I met each of them briefly their freshman year, and it has been an incredible encouragement and inspiration to watch how they have grown and how God has begun to knit them together as a family and as a creative unit. Last March, Collin began asking me some technical questions about recording music in a living room setting. Their vision was to gather their friends and record some songs they had been writing live. Through a series of events, they were eventually able to come see a session being run at 1093 for our other friends "The Welcome Home." Then we had this thought... "what if we did it here?" Another step taken. 

listening room, pc Addison Hicks

mixing in The Eagles Nest

Rehearsal at 1093

From that point on, they hit the ground running with songwriting and rehearsals. Nothing much happens on my end in the April, just a couple pre production meetings at 1000 Faces Coffee (got to get the good stuff). I continue to brainstorm how to set up the session. On April 29th we record. Full day, set up in the AM, Headwaters rehearsal in the afternoon. Then, we hit record. I am going to skip most of the technical reflections on our process because quite frankly, in this case, it didn't matter that much. The songs were incredible and they had the right heart. It couldn't go wrong. But, basically I tried my best to isolate the sources, chose microphones that would not bleed into each other, and positioned certain figure 8 pattern microphones to take advantage of the null areas in their polar pattern. We were also able to further isolate sources by strategically positioning the Gobo's, which are like movable sound blocking walls. Pretty cool and useful tools. I want to thank Josh Parks and Addison Hicks for their help on the production side of this record. Your help made everything go so smoothly. 

saving the truck

Quick side story, I almost drove my truck off a wall because the driveway ended at a angle i could not see when backing out of the driveway. Addison was my hero in that scenario, and all these amazing guys. 

Fast forwarding: We spend May, June, and July mixing and mastering slowly. Every is traveling and working throughout the summer so we take are time with it. We finish up the masters in August and get together at my apartment to do a final listening. John Busby makes us all amazing coffee on the V60 and we enjoy the finished product together. There is something so special about taking the time and fully appreciate a journey you have been on with people. Especially with making records because it takes so long to do, it's almost like you have climbed this mountain with your friends and you can finally sit, release your breath, and enjoy the view you all worked to get to. 

Looking Back: The entire process, to me, was a miracle. Every connection, how smoothly the recording went, the fact that no one hit any wrong notes the whole time, how everything sounded in the end, the amazing relationships and friendships that came of this... It's all such a miracle to me. What I said in the beginning of the post grows and truer and truer with each project that I work on. A dream is not revealed in a day. It's revealed through every "yes" that is said and every small step of faith that is taken towards finishing. John, Kerri and Collin went "yes" all the way from the very beginning. and now look what has come of it! They have created such a beautiful collection of songs for all of us to enjoy. I have been so encouraged by their humility, courage, and purity. They were aware of the temptation to rely on their own strength and were able to overcome and push through on their knees. From the very beginning they surrendered this to God. I truly believe God honored all of us. He honored our desire to make something amazing to be a light in the community. He honored our reliance. He honored the trust. The project was in his hands the whole time. 

listening party!

Looking forward: I can't wait to see what comes out of Headwaters in the future. But also, if they never did anything again, it would change nothing about what they just accomplished. Worldly success, to me, can be worse than failure for a human heart. It is not inherently bad, I just think we are inherently prone to forget who makes anything possible. Success confuses us, puffs us up and distracts us from the main point. We need to define success as again, the simple "yes." Headwaters has already won not because they gained a record deal, signed a publishing deal, gained followers or fame. They have won because they felt a pull in their hearts, and they stewarded their time, efforts, talents and energy to pursue it in faith. They stepped out their immediate sight and pursued a vision that required faith to achieve. I believe that this heart and this energy behind their music will release others to pursue their dreams in the same way. This whole album and process has been fire under my seat to run my race even better. Guys, I can't say enough good about this. Thanks for trusting me with your dream. 

I want to thank John, Kerri and Collin. I want to thank Mark Crafton for capturing the day beautifully. Thanks to Josh Parks and Addison Hicks. Thanks to Philip McClure for giving it art that captured it so well. You guys are amazing.

So, without further adieu, here is a link to the record on Spotify. Stream it, save it, share it.  and please, enjoy it deeply. Things will only get better.

Take a step back, find mountains soon.

A photo of the empty womb (credit mixerman). Paused for a moment.

It is Thursday of week 2. We have halted the recording for just a moment. Recording a record is difficult on everyone involved. It is the searching for deep things in you. It involves dreams, ego, pride and many visions and opinions. In my experience, I have found it to be a process that acts as a mirror to reflect what is going on within my own heart. If I am impatient, if I am prideful, if I am lazy, if I am willing to settle for something less than amazing - Recording an album will reveal it. The band is working quite fantastically and we have sprinted through the first 2 weeks. We have most of the skeleton of each song recorded and we are weeks ahead of schedule. 

We decided to take a night off Thursday and pray for the album. We prayed to be re-centered, to be filled again with love. It is easy to get lost in doing something and forget why you ever set out to do it in the first place. It's good to revisit your core values and revisit them often. The prayer was so powerful and I felt like God was able to lift some blinders for the band and remind all of us the point of making music. 

I always try to remind myself. The process to anything amazing will be filled with difficulty and pressure. That's the price of getting to the view, the hike. So I am not surprised in the slightest that we have run into this. It's just another opportunity to see God move boulders and to be lifted on his wings to victory. The record truly sounds amazing so far and will have such an impact on it's listeners.

This weekend I decided to go to the mountains. It was a beautiful day with friends new and old. It was one of the most special days ever, truly. We hiked Mount Yonah, experienced some local wine at Yonah Mountain Vineyards, ate some amazing Chinese food, watched football and even encouraged each other at the end of the day. We were together all day. I love days where you have no where next to go... Those days are good for the soul. 

Here's a picture from the top. We'll be back on this soon. 

One Step Closer

1:34AM on the morning of September 13 2017

Wrapping up my evening. We have been recording guitars starting at 5PM today. It was a joyful time. Today up to bat is New Realm's other guitarist John Dexter Burch. This is the first electric guitar session in the new Bloom studios space (aka my apartment). We set up the amps in the bathroom and begin. I discover a couple of the amp modelers in Komplete 11... and we are blwon away. The versatility, accuracy and creative workspace are insane. I'll give a screen shot. I love the layout and how they mimic some of the hardware and give hints to certain amp models... Very clever Komplete. Very clever. 

JDB in the track. Shoutout Thrill Will chillin

Komplete Guitar Rack is amazing

We ordered pizza, which is a recording project must. Dominoes > John's it has been decided. I like the dough of Dominos, though John's includes the coveted "Mana" yellow garlic nectar. This will be an ongoing battle within me. Anyways, things are going well. We are moving right along. More guitars tomorrow.  

1:30AM, been working on the website since about 11. I get way too OCD about these things. Letters, colors, certain spacings. Sometimes you get to a point and gotta let it rest until the morning. It's been a good day. A really hard day with a couple stones thrown down in front of me, but each is an opportunity to learn how to run a little different. I am blessed and thankful for God, grace and friends to make music with. Let's get some sleep. 

New Realm Update - Recording in a Tropical Storm

It’s 1:00 AM on the morning of Tuesday September 12th.

When a tropical storm occurs, it makes it a little tricker to get things done. Power was doing great today. Spent most of the day getting stuff ready for our Sunday service at Classic City. Got up early, went to the gym, even got to wear a sweater. Amazing. 5:30 hits. Black. We had planned to record guitars at my studio at 6:30. Evan and John Dexter Burch, who will now be referred to as JDB, arrive. We hungry. Attempt at chinese food at Golden Dragon, but due to unforeseen business we try Taco Bell, one of my favorite establishments. Even the bell didn’t ring today. We return home in the dark, empty handed, hearts even emptier. Evan makes us peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I check to see if Studio 1093 has power and we decide to take a chance and go there. Power and no internet, which makes it harder but definitely workable. Turns out I couldn't update a program on my computer so we take a little field trip over to neighbor studio Chase Park to bounce down some Pro Tools 10 files to Pro tools 9. Evan and Bobby get restless in the process so Evan makes a bet with Bobby to slap him in the face and record it in slow motion. Bet goes through, Bobby gets slapped in face in slow motion. Bounces finish and we return to 1093 to cut vocals. It was an incredible night. Ended up using a vintage Neumann U67, my favorite vocal mic in history, to cut all of Bobby’s vocal takes for the evening. That thing just sounds right. We go for a couple hours and decide to call it a night. Lovely night of dancing, laughing and making slight fun of each other… love it. 

Shoutout to Vern, the MVP studio intern who has been such an incredible help. Thanks also to Holly and Will, other interns who have served the project. They are MVP’s!

I’ve gotta go to sleep, it’s bene such a hard day sitting at home.

I pray that power comes back to us! Night!

New Realm Week 1, Day 2 - The Late One

Thursday and Friday, we have passed hump day. Finishing and starting are always the hardest parts. Thursday has been a terrific day for us. Evan, New Realm’s guitar player, got off work in a fortunate turn of events and was able to come record some electric guitar parts for the record. I LOVE recording guitars. To me, they fill such an important role in a composition. It’s a little different than the importance of drums and bass, or vocals or keys for that matter. It’s like the icing on the cake that makes the cake shine and look delicious. Evan and I began the day by getting him some food. Guitarists gotta eat. Did you know Schlotsky’s makes a sandwich size title “Large” that is actually massive? It looks like a personal pizza except its a gourmet turkey sandwich. Anyway, I am digressing. 

Evan Reece rippin on the archtop

The boys

We feed Evan and then we go on a hunt for a vintage AC30. After making a few last minute calls, we are unable to find this grail, so we head to the studio. I choose to record 2 main amps. One is a Matchless Lightning that I used to own but traded it for a vintage guitar, and the other is my little champion, the trusty ol Fender Blues Junior. I. Love. This. Amp. It never sounds bad, nomatter what you plug into it. For those reading this who care about the more technical side of this process read the next few sentences. If you don’t care for it much skip to the next paragraph for a more condensed update :). I decided to set up three microphones in the recording booth. One was the legendary SM57, another a Coles 4038, and the last a Royer 121. I like the sound of the ribbon mics in front of the amps versus the dynamic SM57 because often they sound smoother, warmer and seem to “sit backwards” in the whole soundscape. I set them up, run them into pre’s, and can easily a/b/c the sounds to see what works best for each particular situation. I found that, as always, the blues junior was amazing for some of the quieter, more melodic applications and the Matchless sang beautifully for the rhythm parts and some cleaner ambient sounds we were creating. Shoutout to Earthquaker devices for helping shape some of our sounds. 

We break and go eat at Agua Linda on Prince. Quesadillas are good for all. Bobby eats a burrito that is roughly 1 foot long. Laughs are had over mexican food, then back to the cave we go. We attempt some guitars, but it was getting late. We break out our best friend JUNO and rip into some more synths. Bobby and Drew hang around for a while, and Drew exits. Bobby and I stay at the studio until about 3:00AM to compose an interlude that I think is unfolding beautifully. 

Thanks Will for letting us record the Nord

Vintage Rolan Juno

Often in the recording (or creative) process, the best ideas are the ones that are never planned. We must be willing to explore and to say yes to something that makes us uncomfortable. That’s how growing happens! My favorite environment is one where people are searching for something unsung, together. I love this particular part we wrote because it was a spontaneous deacon and we didn’t have a tight grip, or grip at all, on how it needed to look. We just created. I can’t wait to share this piece with yall.  I get home and in bed around 3:30 because we decide to play halo after returning to the apartment. We’re fully addicted. 

Beginnings: New Realm Week 1

Whew! We are two days into the project now. It has been an incredible time of exploration, reaching, and sound hunting. Tuesday (day1), we tracked drums and bass mostly with a couple of acoustic takes sprinkled in. After we set the foundation, we were able to begin exploring with percussive elements and sprinkles to put into the mix. My favorite moment from yesterday was when we stumbled upon a vintage synth on the other side of the studio. There is a song we are working on that has a sparse, electronic vibe that needed some extra mojo pads and synth basses to fill it out. We found this vintage Juno 106 sitting on the plate reverb chamber in Studio B and decided to plug it in and see how she sounded. It was perfect and heavenly. Not much we can show you just yet, but think about the intro to TV series "Stranger Things." Those sounds were created with machines like the Juno 106 and other vintage synthesizers that operate like this one.

I'm at coffee this morning. We're starting at noon these days so I am trying to take the mornings to clear my head before we go deep in it again. Creating requires a lot of focus and sometimes your brain can feel like spaghetti after long days in the studio. But, we are energized and excited about how this is coming out. I think that these are the best sounding drums I've been able to record to date. I found that one of the weapons used to achieve the sounds was the Epirical Labs Distressor to 'extend' the kick and snare hits, hard to describe but to my ear sounds like they phatten up. Then I am putting a Coles 4038 on the opposite wall of the drum room and smashing that through a limiter. This effect can make the drums sound HUGE!! and we all know we love HUGE drums. 

I'm excited for today. My studio goal each day is to try something that I haven't tried yet. Yesterday was hardware synthesizer, I wonder what today will be....